I grew up an only child in a wonderful home with two parents that loved each other and were committed. I realize that this in itself is a blessing and I don't take my upbringing lightly. It was privileged. From a very young age I had one desire. I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I can't tell you exactly where it came from, but thats what I knew I wanted when I grew up. I wanted to marry a man that loved me, deeply, passionately and truly and I wanted to have his babies, stay home, have a kicka** house and raise my kids. Although my parents were firm on the need for education, they encouraged my desire. They always however, were cautious about teaching me to wait on the Lord. If I wanted a marriage that lasted, I needed to wait patiently for the right godly man.
At 14 Mom and Dad gave me my promise ring, and I signed that covenant promising to remain pure until marriage. I vowed to wait, but man was I looking forward to the relationship stuff.
High school was tough in this department. In many ways I was far more mature than most kids my age. I preferred to talk to adults, I was highly motivated, driven and a straight A student to boot. I didn't want to date in the sense of dating around, but I still wanted the romance. My hormones were all over the map and oh how I wanted that cute boy over there to just notice me. I had a crush on too many guys to name, but not one of them returned the feelings (not that I told them, of course). I remember when my best friend had her "first kiss." I wondered, why not me? With every Homecoming or Spring Banquet (because Christian schools don't have proms), I watched as friend after friend got asked. I never did. In fact, in my entire high school career, the closest I came to actually being asked to a school event was when I was set up on a blind date by my Uncle. I had met the guy, sort of, and on the night of the event he showed up.....bald. It was awkward. High school for me was a time of inner turmoil. I didn't understand why I was never asked. I struggled with self image. My senior year I tried to loose as much weight as possible thinking it was size that mattered. It didn't. I was a cheerleader, head cheerleader to be exact too. Why was I not being pursued, by ANYONE? Really?
It was hard. I am grateful that my parents are awesome because they saw my inner struggle. They saw the frustration at feeling looked over. They gave me tools and books, sent me to conferences, encouraged the right influences and supported me, and yet my internal struggle raged. I was sure I was going to die an old spinster all of my wife and mom dreams lost forever. I remember the day when Mom and Dad gave me the two books written by Eric and Leslie Ludy. The most impacting one was, "When God Writes Your Love Story." I devoured it, seeking peace about my frustrating non existent love life. In the book Eric writes love letters to his unknown bride as a way of connecting and waiting for her. When he meets Leslie and knows without doubt she's the one, he is able to give them to her as a gift. He proposes by washing her feet and giving her the letters. I finished the book with renewed purpose. I was going to write to my future unknown husband. The romantic in me prayed right then and there, "Lord, I will wait, but could you please send me a man that would wash my feet?"
I started to write at the end of my Senior year of high school.
It was a great practice for me and helped me feel hopeful. I continued to write through my first year of college. Spending a semester up at CSU and then transferring to CCU (a move I am incredibly grateful for :). And still, my singleness continued with not a hopeful spouse in sight. At 19 I was about to finish my Freshman year of college and had still yet to experience that first kiss. Oh Lord, when will it happen.....Will it? I continued to write. In February of 2002, on Valentines Day, I made a decision to be proud of my unkissed lips. I made a commitment to save my first kiss for my wedding day. I wrote it down in a letter to my someday someone and just prayed.
It was a pivotal time for me. I honestly had to answer the question, "Do I trust the Lord to bring me something great? Further more, am I willing to not only wait but wait for one who would honor my choice to not kiss until my wedding day?"
I was, even though I knew I might never get married......then I started my Sophomore year....
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