The Weeds Still Grow

I thought of the title for this post a while ago and laughed at how cliche it sounded.  Weed metaphors are so common.  Perhaps it is where I am in my life right now, or perhaps it is because we spent the entire weekend last weekend cleaning up our yards, but weeds have been on my mind a lot lately.

When I brought our garden home I put all of my pots out on my patio so that 1. they would be easy to water and 2. they wouldn't sit on any weeds.  I was proud of myself for conjuring up a plan to limit my weed exposure.  As I have tended and watered my plants, my eyes have been opened to the harsh reality that, no matter what the weeds still grow.  Weeds have sprouted up through cracks and along the edges of the patio.  Thick weeds have now grown to surround my little plants.  All of the extra water that has fallen on the ground has watered the weed roots too.  Even unintentionally, the weeds still grow.

As I sat there pondering the reality of this I couldn't help but think of my life and the space I am in right now.  The "garden" of my life is growing, but so are the weeds.  Mothering is not easy right now.  Lily is testing every limit, every boundary and using me as a target for every piece of naughtiness she can think of.  Its hard, disappointing, frustrating and discouraging.  Especially when all of this is served with a side of poop in the pants nearly every day.

Evie is doing well, but still tends to be fussy at just the wrong times.  Have her home, she sleeps quietly and peacefully.  Try to have a coffee date or adult conversation with a friend, she screams.  Again, its hard disappointing, frustrating and discouraging.

If Motherhood and parenting is a battlefield, I am most definitely down in the trenches covered in mud, poop, vomit and yes, a little blood. I'm told "this too shall pass," but constantly find myself wondering if it will.  I just want to know, when does this mothering thing get fun again?

Weeds come in all shapes, depression, anger, self doubt, fear, indifference and loneliness.  If my heart is a garden, I am working on overtime these days trying to keep the weeds from prevailing.  If there is one thing mothering is teaching me is that NEVER in my life have I needed God more.  I am eternally grateful that I have a Gardener who is not afraid to be in the trenches with me getting His fingers dirty pulling my weeds.

Big Sis, Lil Sis

I simply love these girls, there is just no doubt.

Yeah, it has its very stressful moments and it is exhausting on most days, but I just adore these little ladies that share my face.  Its special.

The Big Sister is up to much these days.  The pictures below capture my days just perfectly.  Each day is a constant attempt to catch a moving target.  She is precocious, busy, and in constant motion.  She is officially in big girl underpants.  She woke up one day and decided it was time so we hit the potty training thing with a vengeance.  While we had a few little accidents, the pooping thing was the hardest.  This Monday Lily pooped in her pants 4 times.  Oh my.  On the fourth time I asked her, "Lily, why are you pooping in your pants?" and she replied, "Because I want to!" Yes, little Lily Grace is a strong willed lady.  She just won't do what she doesn't want to do.  

Since Evie arrived on the scene, Lily and her Daddy have become best friends.  Bob goes in every morning when she wakes up and now I always know when she is awake because she is calling, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"  She has taken to hiding under her covers so that Bob can find her and give her early morning tickles and throws.  

She has had some hard times realizing that little Evie is in fact staying around, but is still a wonderful little girl, full of life and hope.  You can't help but love her!

The Little Sister is growing and smiling like crazy these days.  Evie is just delightful and she loves to sing with me.  She coos and sings and it makes my heart just melt and I can't help but giggle.  These little tiny creatures are just simply so precious.  She is an AMAZING night sleeper.  It is so different from her big sister.  Night times are just simply a breeze and I go to bed confident that I am going to get 5-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Its wonderful.

I love her little facial expressions and her eyes are still so blue.  Each Thursday it is just Evie and me and we have so much fun just being still and loving each other.  I am so excited to watch her grow and see the little girl that she becomes.

I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the Big and Lil lady.  It makes my heart happy to know that they will always be sisters and friends.  I have been blessed, some of the Biggest and greatest things come in the Littlest packages.

Transparency

Whenever I meet a new mom or any new friend at some point in the beginning stages of our friendship I always talk about my willingness to be transparent.  Being able to be honest and forthright with another person is simply life giving to the relationship and to the soul.  I love that I am a transparent person.  It has given me the greatest relationships and has allowed me to share life with others in an empowering way.  Yes, I have been hurt, but I have also experienced richness in life that many will never know.

In an effort to remain transparent, literally to the world, here on this blog, I am going to write a little bit about last week.  It was a rough one.  Lily woke up on Monday morning saying "Mommy, I want to wear big girl panties!"  So we started the potty training hard.  Day one was great, Day 2 we had several accidents.  On top of that, when you start potty training, you run into a lot of new issues relating to bodies and how boys and girls are different.  I knew it would happen, but there is something so....scary about a 2.5 year old starting to ask all of those questions.  They grow up so fast.  On top of trying to remember to ask Lily about the potty, Evie was just plain fussy.  It was exhausting.  When she wasn't sleeping she was screaming.  Her awake happy time was roughly around 30 minutes for the ENTIRE day.  By the end of the week I was dealing with depression.  No doubts.

I was so excited for the weekend.  On Thursday night I woke up with Evie at about 2AM to discover my husband missing from our bed.  He was horribly sick and unable to get out of the bathroom.  By the morning he was in such bad shape that we discussed taking him to the ER.  Once I felt he could handle himself, we decided that we needed to get the girls away from him in the hopes that we all wouldn't go down.  So me and the girls stayed up at my parents from Friday morning until Sunday morning.  I hated leaving Bob, but it was the right choice.  Our whole weekend combusted.  I love the mountains, but leaving Bob in such a bad state was rough.  Before we came down, Memaw and I had to deal with Lily and constipation issues.  Getting the pooping thing in the potty has been very challenging and Saturday night I had to hold my child over the potty while she screamed to get 4 days of not pooping out.  It was awful.

To top off the week, I had two nights of flopped dinners.  If you know me, you know how hard that is for me.  I love to cook and having not one but 2 dinners that were less than good is rough.  I was feeling somewhat like a failure.  Add to this the reality that I only have a few clothes that fit me right now and you have all the fixin's for depression.

Then Evie got REALLY mad.  Sunday into Monday she and I were not getting along at all.  She wouldn't nurse, she would scream uncontrollably constantly, she was fitful and just not happy.  On Monday morning I could not stop crying and for the first time in 2 months I was done being Mom.  It became very clear to me that I might need help because I was headed towards a serious post partum depression.  I decided that I would go for a run and if I didn't snap out of the need to cry I would call the doctor.

I pushed my girls for 5 miles taking out all of my anger, frustration and anxiety on the road.  Once home I felt better, but friends, I am still struggling with sad feelings.  Post partum depression is real and it is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is hard to be struggling.  Both of my girls have been hard babies.  Lily didn't sleep well, and Evie is just fussy.  It is exhausting because I can't do anything for me these days, except run.  I miss photography, I miss workout classes,  I miss bible studies and small groups, I miss date nights.  It is so hard to be afraid to leave your baby with anyone for fear that she will scream at them for 3 hours.

It was a rough week.

But hope springs anew.  It is a new day, a new week, I asked for help and Mom and Dad are going to watch the girls for a few hours on Friday so that Bob and I can go out on a much needed date night complete with fancy dinner and a movie!  I simply cannot wait!

2 Months of Evie

Well, here we are already at that 2 month mark!  AMAZING!

Evie is growing like crazy these days and fast leaving behind that newborn look.  She is so alert  and her little eyes get so big when she is awake and taking in the world around her.

Our original thought that she was going to be a super laid back sleeper has been completely dismissed.  She is rather fussy and aside from the night time, she doesn't sleep really well during the day.  Of course a lot of that is still related to the fact that she is only 2 months.  I suppose I can't expect too much.  Much like Lily, she is an extremely light sleeper and when I do get her asleep, I don't want to move or make a peep.  I ultimately hate living that way, but I guess that is just how my kiddos are gonna be.

She and Lily are doing so well together!  I love watching and listening to them.  Lily is only too quick to help me when Evie is crying and Evie will hold Lily's hand in the car.  I especially love when Evie is crying and Lily says ever so sweetly, "It's okay Baby Evie."  Too precious.

Evie's favorite place right now is anywhere that she can look out and see the world.  She loves to be up on her Daddy's shoulder.

There is so much to see up there, and often times she just loves to lay on the floor or couch.  Tummy time is getting better, but it is still not her most favorite activity.  Since her little neck muscles are still trying to get strong enough to hold her little head up she spends some or most of her tummy time doing a face plant into the floor.  Not so exciting for a baby that likes to see her world.

When Evie isn't sitting content, cooing and talking or attempting a smile, she has a temper and man can she scream.  WOW.  When she is hungry it goes from 0 to ANGRY in a split second.  There is no middle ground with the little one.  I can quickly see a very strong personality and a temper to rival most.  I know what you all are thinking, "Good luck Mom and Dad."  Well, we are up to the challenge.  Bob and I are confident that if our girls have strong wills, they are going to rule the world.

 Evie is simply beautiful.  Her dark hair and blue eyes make for a gorgeous little face.  I am so humbled every time that I look at her to know that the Lord gave her to us.  She grew inside of me and all of the hard parts of my pregnancy were, in fact, totally worth it!

Happy 2 Months Little One!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

......a grand ole time we had!

This past weekend, Bob and I took our little family to the Colorado Renaissance Festival.  I grew up going there every year and I simply could not wait to take Lily.  She is still a bit young to really enjoy everything about it, but we had a great time!

Bob and I talked it up all week and by the time we got in the car, Lily was ecstatic!  She kept on telling us, "I'm so excited!"  We promised that she would see Kings and Queens and horses! I was only too happy that I was able to deliver on all accounts.

Upon arriving through the gates we headed to a little shop to get Miss Lily all princessed out!  She picked the brightest purple dress she could find and simply could not wait to get it on.  What a pretty little lady.

Once all dressed up, we started our grand tour.  I love seeing all of the costumes that people don.  It is seriously like a society and some of the attendants go all out, even to the point of accents and a whole new language!

We happened upon the Royal pavilion and the King and Queen were there to meet everyone.  Lily walked right up and introduced her little self.  The Queen was so precious with her and later when we saw her in the parade she saw Lily and actually took a moment to say hi to her.  I'm not sure who was more excited, me or Lily!

After checking out a few of the rides and attractions we had ourselves a good old fashioned hot dog and then decided we had better head home.  We knew it was time when the little princess curled up in her Daddy's shoulder.  We can see the Joust "to the death" next year.......

Lily loved the Renaissance Festival and wanted to wear her princess dress all weekend!