Transparency

Whenever I meet a new mom or any new friend at some point in the beginning stages of our friendship I always talk about my willingness to be transparent.  Being able to be honest and forthright with another person is simply life giving to the relationship and to the soul.  I love that I am a transparent person.  It has given me the greatest relationships and has allowed me to share life with others in an empowering way.  Yes, I have been hurt, but I have also experienced richness in life that many will never know.

In an effort to remain transparent, literally to the world, here on this blog, I am going to write a little bit about last week.  It was a rough one.  Lily woke up on Monday morning saying "Mommy, I want to wear big girl panties!"  So we started the potty training hard.  Day one was great, Day 2 we had several accidents.  On top of that, when you start potty training, you run into a lot of new issues relating to bodies and how boys and girls are different.  I knew it would happen, but there is something so....scary about a 2.5 year old starting to ask all of those questions.  They grow up so fast.  On top of trying to remember to ask Lily about the potty, Evie was just plain fussy.  It was exhausting.  When she wasn't sleeping she was screaming.  Her awake happy time was roughly around 30 minutes for the ENTIRE day.  By the end of the week I was dealing with depression.  No doubts.

I was so excited for the weekend.  On Thursday night I woke up with Evie at about 2AM to discover my husband missing from our bed.  He was horribly sick and unable to get out of the bathroom.  By the morning he was in such bad shape that we discussed taking him to the ER.  Once I felt he could handle himself, we decided that we needed to get the girls away from him in the hopes that we all wouldn't go down.  So me and the girls stayed up at my parents from Friday morning until Sunday morning.  I hated leaving Bob, but it was the right choice.  Our whole weekend combusted.  I love the mountains, but leaving Bob in such a bad state was rough.  Before we came down, Memaw and I had to deal with Lily and constipation issues.  Getting the pooping thing in the potty has been very challenging and Saturday night I had to hold my child over the potty while she screamed to get 4 days of not pooping out.  It was awful.

To top off the week, I had two nights of flopped dinners.  If you know me, you know how hard that is for me.  I love to cook and having not one but 2 dinners that were less than good is rough.  I was feeling somewhat like a failure.  Add to this the reality that I only have a few clothes that fit me right now and you have all the fixin's for depression.

Then Evie got REALLY mad.  Sunday into Monday she and I were not getting along at all.  She wouldn't nurse, she would scream uncontrollably constantly, she was fitful and just not happy.  On Monday morning I could not stop crying and for the first time in 2 months I was done being Mom.  It became very clear to me that I might need help because I was headed towards a serious post partum depression.  I decided that I would go for a run and if I didn't snap out of the need to cry I would call the doctor.

I pushed my girls for 5 miles taking out all of my anger, frustration and anxiety on the road.  Once home I felt better, but friends, I am still struggling with sad feelings.  Post partum depression is real and it is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is hard to be struggling.  Both of my girls have been hard babies.  Lily didn't sleep well, and Evie is just fussy.  It is exhausting because I can't do anything for me these days, except run.  I miss photography, I miss workout classes,  I miss bible studies and small groups, I miss date nights.  It is so hard to be afraid to leave your baby with anyone for fear that she will scream at them for 3 hours.

It was a rough week.

But hope springs anew.  It is a new day, a new week, I asked for help and Mom and Dad are going to watch the girls for a few hours on Friday so that Bob and I can go out on a much needed date night complete with fancy dinner and a movie!  I simply cannot wait!