A Newbie No Longer

Less than a year ago Bob and I watched as our Lily Grace carefully walked onto the playground at her new big kid school.  She only knew a couple of people and none of them were in her class.  I can remember her worried look as she asked me, "Mommy, how will I know what to do?"  With only a slight hesitation she walked into class that first day a brand new Kindergartener.

Last week she walked into her last day a confident 1st grader.  This smiley, confident, beautiful young lady is a newbie no longer!

Her first year in elementary school was a RAGING success thanks in a large part to this amazing, incredible, astounding, patient, kind and wonderful woman.  Gretchen Rodeffer must be a saint.  I am convinced of it.  This woman instilled in my first born a sense of wonder, awe and excitement about learning and Lily embraced her authority and leadership fully.  I am so thankful for the gentility, humility and flat out bravery Mrs. Ro showed this year.  On Lily's last day I picked her up in tears.  Why?  Because she was going to miss her teacher.  That's special.  That is telling.  That is how amazing this woman is.  Lily got a good one.

Yes, I was that mother who brought her camera and made her take pictures on her way into the school.  Miss Andrea is another one of those amazing and ever present women.  She was out at school drop off every morning.  She kept Lily safe and Lily made a friend in the process.  Another one of those amazing people who made Lily's first year feel right.  I am thankful and I know Lily is too.

This kid has a really big heart and was loved by everyone in her class.  It was a blessing to watch her find her place amongst them.  Lily and all of her friends were so excited for the final day.  It was a blast to get them together.  These are the moments where memories are made.  

This is your story Lily, and its a really good one.

Lily, you are amazing child.  You just are.  I am so proud of you and so amazed by you.  I am so glad that you smile big even with your missing teeth.  I love that you lived this year all out.  You became such a strong and independent kid this year.  You found out what it means to be trustworthy.  You learned your limits and pushed the ones you needed to.  You are ready sis.  You are ready for what's next.  You are big and brave and bold and you my dear...........are Lily Grace Longmire.  You are a world changer, a daughter of Jesus, a friend, a leader and a fresh new 1st grader.

You are a newbie no longer.  Congratulations Kiddo!  You earned it!

Evie's First Last Day

WOW, its hard to believe it, but Evie has officially finished her very first year of school.  I cannot describe to you my happiness when we reached the last day and she walked right into her class and stood with a big smile on her face.  This little girl has come SO FAR in a year.

Bob and I knew that Evie was ready for 5 day a week preschool right off the bat last Summer.  We had introduced Lily to Pre-K at a much slower level, but with the fearless Evie, we knew she was ready.  

Her year has been chalk full of growth and change and I am unbelievably grateful for the women in that picture with her.  Mrs. Mansfield (to Evies right) and Mrs. Baer (Evie's Left).  These women are without doubt incredible people.  Not only because they handle 15 3.5 year olds every day, but because they truly, genuinely, deeply LOVE each and every one of them.  They have patience and grace to rival anyone and I cannot convey the blessing they have been to us.  The will forever be a mark on Evie's life and its special.

My Bee is leaving this year with a posse of buddies and several BFFs.  The kid knows everyone and was simply distraught when she discovered everyone couldn't come to Disney World for her birthday.  She is loved.

Evie is one of the boldest, tenacious and determined kiddos and this year she learned a lot about self control and obedience.  We spent several weeks working through principal visits, sand throwing, hitting and naughty behavior.  The unwavering support of her teachers was simply humbling to me.  They believed in her all of the time.  There was never any doubt that she was gonna figure it out.  That is a priceless gift.  I knew it, but it was incredible to have the support of these women who knew it too.  Evie is gonna change the world........just gotta shape the rough edges.  

This day marks the end of the beginning.  Evie is now a full fledged kid in school and the sky is the limit for this little giant I call mine.

Go, Evie, GO!

Spring Flings and Superheroes

May is such a busy, busy month.  I can remember, well before I had school aged kids, all the moms telling me how chaotic the last month of school before summer was.  Let me tell you......they weren't lying!  Whew!

Both of the girls had their end of the year programs and I had so much fun being the Momma in the seats.  I don't think there is anything quite like seeing your child's face light up when you walk through the door and she knows you are there to see her.  So so special.

Lily's school doesn't do a Kindergarten graduation ceremony and instead they do a music/picnic day.  Bob was out of town for Lily's performance, but I made sure to show up with camera in hand.  

The teachers gave all of us parents a 5 second window to get up close and take their picture.  I couldn't help but snap one of the whole class.  I feel like this picture represents Kindergarteners fully. Lily and the little boy in front were all about my camera.  Too cute.  

Her music was special and so much fun to watch.  After her little performance we had lunch out on the playground and it was a perfect way to spend the morning.  I got to take Lily home early too so she and I got some extra 1 on 1 time.  Holy Cow........Lily is in FIRST GRADE now!

This ball of joy was next and OH. MY. WORD. are preschool shows the BEST.  Evie has been singing this song about superheroes for the past month and I have been anxious to get the whole thing with all the words.  I think my favorite part of her practice sessions has been:

....I will defend your city, rescue a kitty......

.....I have super powers, super strength and super speed......(motions included)

.....I can be a superhero and stand up for what's right.....any day or night!

It's been a daily highlight for me.

Can't you just hear her?  They did this awesome song about their body parts and then a great song in Spanish about colors.  I am not sure there is anything more entertaining than watching a bunch of 3 year olds attempt to sing in Spanish.  

Of course, in true "my kid" fashion, at 6:30 in the evening we got the huge yawns and the eye rubbing.

Which didn't last long when she and her buddy got into a who can sing louder contest on stage.

Much like Lily, Evie is a friend to all....and a little bit of distracted trouble.  Gosh I love that child.

After Evie's show we had cookies and played with her best friend Hayden.  These 2, they are a force in this preschool.  Both Tiffany and I have ended up in the principal's office on more than one occasion this year.  AHHH second borns.

She stopped moving for one measly attempt at a photo with me.  This is really the best we got.  It's okay....It's Evie.......and I love her.

She even got snuggled by her amazing teachers too.  

As the sun slowly fell lower we ended the night and began the closing of Evie's first year of preschool.  This little girl has grown so much this year and is hands down one of the most fun and smart little kids.

It has been a busy month and I still have yet to share about their actual last days......but watching them participate with their class and their schools was such a blast of warmth to my heart.  My girls have got incredible community and their village loves them well.

Beyond IRONMAN: When the Aftermath Starts Subtracting

I am finally at a place, with some answers in hand, where I want to share some stuff.  For the past couple of months I have been relatively silent on posting much in regards to my athletics, training or pursuits.  I have got some stuff going on and I have fought against the reality that I may not be actually made out of IRON.

IRONMAN was big.  It was so big and such an all consuming focus.  When it was over it was weird.  Really weird to just be .......done.  I had a rhythm and focus.  I had a schedule and had not deviated from it for near 15 months.....and it was just over.  It was weird and hard and I didn't want to let go.  The easiest way for me to cope with the feelings I was dealing with was to instantly cling to another big goal....well 2 point in fact, qualifying for Boston and IRONMAN Boulder 2018.  I could "rest" for a little bit, but maintaining a schedule for the future races became my focus. My husband desperately asked me to stop.....not stop exercising just stop being so rigid and constantly looking forward to the next workout.  The push back was big and I was hit with the magnitude of what my family went through last year.  Okay....so I stepped back and just started focusing on running.  Lets just qualify for Boston, only plan 4 workouts a week and step back, sleep in and be present.   It was working........then my body started screaming.

About 2 months ago some symptoms that I have wrestled with for a while started becoming more pronounced.  As my coach started increasing my speed workouts I started seeing a bunch of breakdown in my body.  I chalked it up to mental break and didn't pay it much thought, but my body literally started screaming at me.  The worst has been my gut.  Its miserable.....all the time.  I never know what is going to sit well or what is going to cause problems.  My tummy was miserable constantly and between bloating and bathroom, I dreaded my running.  Speed and tummy trouble are the worst.  I didn't feel good.  I have wrestled with stomach issues in the past, but it was getting progressively worse.

I started noticing that I was  tired all the time.  I didn't and still don't sleep well at night.  I'm restless.  My pre-menstrual symptoms are awful.  Depression, anxiety, intense food cravings, fogginess and irritability.  I'm a girl, I've done this stuff for a while, but its worse.....way worse.  I am forgetting things and have complete brain cramps in conversations.  Something isn't right.  I just don't feel good.

So I decided to start with my OB Gyn.  I set an appointment and sat on her table hoping for some help. After listening to me for about 5 minutes, she casually pulled out her prescriptive pad and gave me a 3 year prescription for Prozac.......not even kidding.  No bloodwork, no tests or internal analysis, just a depression pill script and a sweet, "It's okay honey, take this and you'll feel happy again in no time."

I AM NOT A DEPRESSIVE!!!!  Don't get me wrong, if I am truly depressed, I will take it, but seriously?  I just did an IRONMAN......I am a mother of 2 young children......I am telling you my guts hurt.....and you give me a script for PROZAC?  No other investigation?  You aren't even interested in what is going on internally?  Just get my brain happy and problem solved?  

Thank God I am a smart woman who has the brains and the means to realize that is the wrong answer.  I chucked that script in the trash and got a referral to a Naturpath, MD.  I need someone to listen and do some more digging.

Over the past month I have done extensive testing and question answering including blood tests, urine tests, temperature tests and some others.  My new doctor has been thorough and practically laughed herself off her chair when I told her about the Prozac.  "You may have a lot going on internally Bethany, but you don't need Prozac!"  Thank you Jesus.

I went in for my follow up a week and a half ago and now have some answers.  The short (ha who am I kidding......this isn't going the be short) of it is that I am okay, but YES I have many internal things that I need to address.  My adrenals are very, VERY fatigued which is causing the bulk of my problems right now.  The adrenals help us manage stress on our body and when we are constantly pulling from the bucket they fatigue and cause a host of problems.  I drained them last year......and then jumped right back into high stress.  My body whispered for a while and then flat out decided to scream at me....STOP THE DRAIN BETHANY!!  My stomach is not digesting food well right now so I have proteins in my urine and could drink 120 oz of water a day and still be dehydrated.  My system simply isn't working well and its finally come time to address the stress.   We don't know if it is related solely to the adrenals, but I clearly have food sensitivities/allergies which will have to be addressed as well once we get the adrenals working a  little better.  

None of this is life threatening or athletic career ending, but the reality is this.......my body needs to rest.....and recover.......and not have to put out for a while.  How long?  I don't know, but I don't want to rush it.  The stress of having big goals looming out in front of me is stressful so I am having to take a big breath and say the thing I have been afraid to say.......I gotta put my big goals off.  Not forever, but for the foreseeable future.  

I wasn't expecting to be here right now.  In fact, I thought I would be all geared up again by now, ready to push hard to the next goal.  I'm not, but neither is my family.   It's been rather freeing to embrace it.  I can still do all the races I set out for myself this year, I just don't have to be fast and furious.  I am re learning the art of listening to my body and doing what feels right instead of what I feel I have to do.  This should be fun.......and at the end of the day none of it is worth doing if it makes me feel sick.

People keep asking me...."Did IRONMAN do this to you Bethany?"  The short answer is "no."  My dream didn't do this to me.  The longer answer is, "but it absolutely contributed to the drain," how could it not?  That was some hard stuff.   Really hard.  The biggest contributor, however, was my own expectations of myself.......the incessant need to be DOING and the fear of failure that ultimately has taxed my internals.

So, qualifying for Boston is off the table this year and will be for a while.  Another IRONMAN, while it may be in my future, won't be next year.  I need to stop and reinvest in my health and family.  Life is too short to be tired all the time and my girls will only be little for so long.

Our bodies are magnificent creations and amazing machines, built to do incredible things, but they aren't unbreakable.  I am thankful it screamed loud enough at me and that I have a wonderful support system, an amazing Coach and a Doctor who are all helping me work through the healing and letting go process.  Its time to focus my energy anew and find my inner strength again!

A Grand Beauty

You were the Word at the beginning

One with God the Lord Most High

Your hidden glory in creation

Now revealed in You our Christ

What a beautiful Name it is

What a beautiful Name it is

The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a beautiful Name it is

Nothing compares to this

What a beautiful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

You didn't want heaven without us

So Jesus, You brought heaven down

My sin was great, Your love was greater

What could separate us now

What a wonderful Name it is

What a wonderful Name it is 

The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a wonderful Name it is

Nothing compares to this

What a wonderful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

How sweet is your Name, Lord, how good You are

Love to sing in the Name of the Lord, love to sing for you all?

Death could not hold You, the veil tore before you

You silenced the boast of sin and grave

The heavens are roaring, the praise of Your glory

For You are raised to life again

You no rival, You have no equal

Now and forever, Our God reigns

Your's is the Kingdom, Your is the glory

Yours is the Name, above all names.

What a powerful Name it is

What a powerful Name it is

The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a powerful Name it is

Nothing can stand against

What a powerful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

~lyrics by Hillsong

8 Years a Mom

I've been a Mother for 8 years now.  Not long, but longer than some and shorter than most. I have roughly 5% of parenting figured out and that is being pretty generous.  I know I am a good Mom for my kids and that despite my sin, selfishness and personal agendas God is using me to shape them.  Man do I hope I stay up to the task.

I got all nostalgic today remembering each and every one of the years that I have celebrated Mother's Day.  I went back through my blog and found every one of my Mother's Day posts.  It's only been 8 years but the changes in me (um....that hair....) as I have hit each new year are nearly tangible.  I can remember who I was in each of these pictures. I can see how I have grown and changed. It's fun to reminisce....how much I have learned.

Year 1....Only about 10 weeks pregnant with Lily here.  So fresh and excited.  We had tried for so long to have a baby.  Everything was just SO EXCITING. I was so ready for the title...I even remember arching my back in this picture just to ensure I had that bump!

Year 2.....Lily was here in all of her non sleeping, nipple chewing glory.  I was so happy, so satisfied and a little less naive.  Mothering was hard.....REALLY HARD.  About this time I can remember waking up in the middle of the night crying with my screaming child and having the realization, I CAN NEVER GET OUT OF THIS.  Shock and aaaaawwwwwweeeee.  She was so cute.

Year 3.....the last year with my Grandma.  Life had changed so much.  Moves, new jobs, new houses and the yearning for another baby.  I just felt there was one more I was to Mother.  I believe it was this year that I called Mom and Dad and thanked them for never drowning me in the pond.  This was the year I KNEW finally how amazing my Mother.....and Grandmother were.

Year 4......that final few months of just Lily and me.  If I had only known then how special that time truly was.  I was so ill for my entire pregnancy.....definitely not my definition of a picture perfect glow.  

Year 5......I remember this day like no other.  Baby dedications fell on Mother's Day at our church and we dedicated these littles to Jesus.  I was in it at this point......realizing that I was loosing control of being in control all the time.  I had to give these babies to Jesus.....

Year 6.....we had moved again and I missed Mom.  The reality that I was everything to these girls was so big for me.  I still wanted my own Mom and I had moved away.  It was an exciting time of new adventures and a hard time too.  How in the world was I going to do this mothering thing as they left baby hood?

Then came year 7......my IRONMAN year and my mothering took on a very different look.  I found myself needing to really find myself again.  I had given up so much over the past years and I just had some stuff I needed to do.  In my absence I found strength and purpose in my mothering.  I learned that no matter what happens with my girls, I need to lead by doing.  I dreamed big.......this year I finally embraced that as OK.

Year 8.....I don't have much more figured out, but this.....I am comfortable in my mother skin.  I wear workout clothes and have donated most my heels.  I don't try to be something I am not.  My jeans are from Walmart and I can rock a t-shirt and shorts.  I have embraced that I am a little bit edgy, I drink and swear a little more now than 8 years ago, am not really that compassionate, stricter than most and willing to let my kids live oddly close to the edge. I need Jesus more than ever.  I push my kids towards greatness,  actually I demand it from them and sometimes find myself wondering where the line of too much is.  It's okay, I'm comfortable being that Mom.  We talk Jesus, and justice and peace and life when we aren't shouting and having "bold" interactions with each other.  I love them fiercely, but I also love me, love my husband and love our life. My kids aren't my focus, but they are my heart and I guard it and care well for it.   Its good and great and everything it should be.

So this Mother's Day I am nostalgic and yet looking towards the next steps of parenthood and all that my girls and I are destined to be.