I've been a Mother for 8 years now. Not long, but longer than some and shorter than most. I have roughly 5% of parenting figured out and that is being pretty generous. I know I am a good Mom for my kids and that despite my sin, selfishness and personal agendas God is using me to shape them. Man do I hope I stay up to the task.
I got all nostalgic today remembering each and every one of the years that I have celebrated Mother's Day. I went back through my blog and found every one of my Mother's Day posts. It's only been 8 years but the changes in me (um....that hair....) as I have hit each new year are nearly tangible. I can remember who I was in each of these pictures. I can see how I have grown and changed. It's fun to reminisce....how much I have learned.
Year 1....Only about 10 weeks pregnant with Lily here. So fresh and excited. We had tried for so long to have a baby. Everything was just SO EXCITING. I was so ready for the title...I even remember arching my back in this picture just to ensure I had that bump!
Year 2.....Lily was here in all of her non sleeping, nipple chewing glory. I was so happy, so satisfied and a little less naive. Mothering was hard.....REALLY HARD. About this time I can remember waking up in the middle of the night crying with my screaming child and having the realization, I CAN NEVER GET OUT OF THIS. Shock and aaaaawwwwwweeeee. She was so cute.
Year 3.....the last year with my Grandma. Life had changed so much. Moves, new jobs, new houses and the yearning for another baby. I just felt there was one more I was to Mother. I believe it was this year that I called Mom and Dad and thanked them for never drowning me in the pond. This was the year I KNEW finally how amazing my Mother.....and Grandmother were.
Year 4......that final few months of just Lily and me. If I had only known then how special that time truly was. I was so ill for my entire pregnancy.....definitely not my definition of a picture perfect glow.
Year 5......I remember this day like no other. Baby dedications fell on Mother's Day at our church and we dedicated these littles to Jesus. I was in it at this point......realizing that I was loosing control of being in control all the time. I had to give these babies to Jesus.....
Year 6.....we had moved again and I missed Mom. The reality that I was everything to these girls was so big for me. I still wanted my own Mom and I had moved away. It was an exciting time of new adventures and a hard time too. How in the world was I going to do this mothering thing as they left baby hood?
Then came year 7......my IRONMAN year and my mothering took on a very different look. I found myself needing to really find myself again. I had given up so much over the past years and I just had some stuff I needed to do. In my absence I found strength and purpose in my mothering. I learned that no matter what happens with my girls, I need to lead by doing. I dreamed big.......this year I finally embraced that as OK.
Year 8.....I don't have much more figured out, but this.....I am comfortable in my mother skin. I wear workout clothes and have donated most my heels. I don't try to be something I am not. My jeans are from Walmart and I can rock a t-shirt and shorts. I have embraced that I am a little bit edgy, I drink and swear a little more now than 8 years ago, am not really that compassionate, stricter than most and willing to let my kids live oddly close to the edge. I need Jesus more than ever. I push my kids towards greatness, actually I demand it from them and sometimes find myself wondering where the line of too much is. It's okay, I'm comfortable being that Mom. We talk Jesus, and justice and peace and life when we aren't shouting and having "bold" interactions with each other. I love them fiercely, but I also love me, love my husband and love our life. My kids aren't my focus, but they are my heart and I guard it and care well for it. Its good and great and everything it should be.
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