There is Always Hope

This post is gonna be real.  I'm in a real place and feeling a lot of real things.  My foot injury has become such a weight around my spirit. This is so hard.  Everything that I love to do for myself has been taken from me.  I can't run, I can't swim, I can't bike, I can't do yoga......I know......so much CANT.  Its not like me.....I get it.  But its real and true.  In a cast I CANT do those things.  I have been to the gym, attempting to work my upper body, but the reality is this.......my poor body is off, off balance, off kilter, and even attempting to "work out" is creating other pains. Months of limping and now a literal weighted immobilized joint has left my body and my spirit handicapped.....and there is no end in sight.

People keep telling me, its just a "season," "this will pass," "you will heal," "this won't last forever."  I hear them, but I also feel and my foot is screaming louder than them.  I just dont understand.  Why will this not heal?  Even after 3 weeks of being completely immobilized I still feel pain in the joint, its still not right, I still can't run.  Why, WHY won't this heal!!!

Our medical system sucks.  I should have had the MRI 4 weeks ago, but my doctor was given wrong information about my ability to get it done.  I filled paperwork out incorrectly.  No I don't have an implant!!!!  I tried to give him the information, but the nurse taking my call communicated incorrectly.  He sent me for a CT Scan......it showed nothing.  "Why didn't we do the MRI, Bethany? A CT Scan won't show anything."  Um, because I told your staff I filled the paperwork incorrectly......and you sent me to do a CT scan. "So you can have an MRI?" YES......I told your nurse that!!!  "Oh, well lets just cast it.....we really needed that MRI."  I KNOW!!!!!

Now I have to get the MRI that I should have gotten 4 weeks ago.  WHY?  Why is this happening like this? 

I told you....real.

My hope has been dwindling.  As I look into 2019 I don't know what to hope for.  I have no races on the books, I have no personal goals except to walk, WALK, with no pain.  My how far the IRONMAN has fallen.

I know I am more than an athlete, I KNOW.  I know I am a mother, and a wife, and a friend, and a photographer.  I KNOW.  I know I am more than my physical body, I KNOW.  I know that Jesus loves me and that there are other things in life worth pursuing, I KNOW.  But I LOVE to run, I LOVE to bike, I LOVE to swim, I LOVE to do yoga, and hike, and run with my girls, and ski, and play!  I can't do any of it right now........and I wake up every day, put my foot down, and remember.......I still can't.

Bob and I decided to rewatch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy this Christmas and I am amazed at how timely it is.  So much darkness, and fear, and uncertainty......and yet one single thread ties the whole epic story together........HOPE.

And today, in the words of the Great Aragorn I will cling to the belief.....

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.