Crisis of Self

Bob and I had a great weekend this past couple of days. It was busy! We headed down to Charlotte on Friday to host a MILA event on Saturday. It has been on the books for a while and it was so great to see Darcie and Brent. I have discovered, though, that I am not an overly patient person and road tripping is so hard. I think it is overly challenging because Lily is not a fan either, so the entire trip is spent either listening to a crying baby or doing everything to keep her (and me) happy.


When she does finally nod off for a few minutes, Bob and I usually have some great time to catch up and converse. When we are finally given an uninterrupted hour with no TV, Computer or other distraction, it becomes a time to reconnect and talk deep. Its honest. Its transparent. Its beautiful. When given the time and the encouragement to really dig deep and talk about what is going on in my life and emotions, I actually find a lot within myself that I just haven't been able to verbalize. That is exactly what happened this past weekend and I discovered that I am going through an internal crisis. A crisis of self. Let me explain.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been about music. Actually, I take that back, my whole family has always been about music. It has kind of been a synonymous thing Bethany=music. I grew up singing in church, being encouraged to sing, even being asked to sing. I sang all the way through high school choir, leading VBS music along the way. Graduated from High school intent on being a musician, and spent 4 years seeking a college level music education. After college, I got involved with the worship team of every single church that I or Bob and I have been a part of. Music was me, I was music.

About two years ago was when this crisis had its beginnings. I auditioned to be part of a worship team fully expecting to be the singing treasure that I had always been. While I did make the team, I was told that my voice wasn't really what they were looking for and I was never asked to lead or sing a solo. I was the "ooo" and "ahh" singer. At the time I was okay with it, after all back up singers can be music ministers too, but there was a seed of self doubt planted. Well, we moved to North Carolina and after having the baby I decided that it was finally time to get back into music ministry. So again, I auditioned. This time I was told that while I had a nice voice it wasn't really a good fit and that they wouldn't be able to use me. Yes, I have dealt with rejection before, but this time it was different. This time it went far deeper than a simple "you didn't make the team." For the first time I felt my identity slipping away. Maybe I'm not music. Or said better, maybe music is just small part of the bigger self I live with. Maybe my ministry, my gifts, my heart has been hidden behind the conviction that Bethany=music. There you have it.....crisis of self.

Once I was able to put words to the emotional and personal turmoil within something amazing happened. I let go. Not of music, it will always be a part of me, but of the belief that music is the only ministry for me. Maybe now that I have let go, the Lord will truly be able to use the best parts of me to grow his kingdom. Maybe, just maybe, this crisis of self is instead a joyous beginning of living in the fullness of ALL that God has created me to be. The encourager, the prayer warrior, the confidant, the leader, the mentor, the builder, the friend, the love giver, the connector, the servant, the real, created............ME.