Moving Into Pain

So I have had a really hard time wanting to sit down and write another blog about my foot.  Last time I wrote something I remember thinking to myself, "Until I find the fix and start getting back to MY way of doing life I don't want to keep writing about it."  It was a solid plan, a goal oriented plan, but then life and something something about "best laid plans."

I struggle to write too because God is doing incredible and immeasurably valuable work in my life through this and I don't want to just sound like I am complaining or living in the past.  I have been hesitating because I want the goodness of the Lord to shine through and not just the frustration I feel.  So I am going to try over the next couple of posts, and I am going to hope that you can wade through all of this and hear my heart and know I am good.....that in spite of daily frustration I am finding my way  forward.

I titled this post Moving into Pain, because that my friends can pretty much sum up the last 4 months of my life.  To this day I still can't give you a diagnosis on my foot, but what I can tell you is that we are more and more and more sure that the initial injury wasn't a joint or a tendon or a bone injury.  The more I dig, the more we explore, the more we think and talk and wrestle with the pain, the more we are discovering that this injury has ALWAYS been nerve and muscle based.  Hindsight has always been 20/20 and I will not live in the past, but I am going to say it once, how I wish I would have initially done different things.  I know, maybe it wouldn't have turned out differently, but knowing what I know now......gosh I would have taken some different turns.

But I am here.......so where is here?  Nerve pain is miserable,  its unpredictable, its uncurable, and it hurts. Nerve pain morphs from aching one minute to pinching the next to fire the next.  Some days I wake up, step on my foot, and it feels like I have a rock in my shoe, other days it feels like I have a spiny crab under my foot who is pinching my foot with his two claws.  Some days the pain is so great it feels like someone took a couple of 2x4s and smashed my toes. Other days the pain is only so so. There is always pain, its just a measure of how much and how its manifesting.  But here is the thing about nerve damage and treating nerves......you HAVE to move into the pain. And the treating process is long......

So I work with a chiropractor 1 to 2 times per week.  He is amazing.  He told me though that the work he was going to do on my foot was going to hurt.  When I go we do heat and electric stim before he digs in my foot and aggressively stretches and releases my foot and the tissues.  I can't eat before I go.  He then massages my calf where the nerves to my foot start and sends electric shocks down through my toes.  Its awesome.  Then to cap it off he uses the scraper to scrape in between my toes.  I have to breathe, and not talk, and remember that nerve repair requires you to not fear pain.

I know it sounds horrible, but this is how your treat nerves.  Our bodies are incredible and they protect themselves.  The foot is intricate and all connected.  The muscles and nerves in the toes bear so much weight, and after months of muscle straining between the toes, limping, casting, and making the actual problem worse, I have A LOT of work to do.  And so I wake up every morning, step on my foot, vent frustration with an audible "OW!" and remind myself that I CAN move into pain.

So there's that.....then this week I was able to start Physical Therapy with a nerve specialist recommended by my pain doctor.  I had to wait a month to get into her because she and her facility are that good.  She spent the first 10 minutes having me tell my story and watching my foot. "Bethany, your foot is really improving. I know I don't know you, and I can see you are working through some stuff, but your battle with your foot is 60% won because I can tell you don't fear pain. I spend most of my time trying to convince my patients that if you want to get your nerves back you HAVE to move into pain. You have to not be afraid, and I can see you clearly aren't."  I felt so encouraged and then she continued her evaluation.

She proceeded to tell me that she noticed my hip, back, and knee are not operating right and had I ever had low back pain, "Yes, I have had low back pain for many years, I just manage it with weight lifting, stretching, and ignorance."  Her response was priceless....

"When you came in here Bethany and I saw how young and strong you were, I was not sure how I was going to help you, but now I know, and until you correct the weakness in your low back, glute, and hip, your nerve pain is not going to fully improve."  You see, its all connected.  Sciatic, low back,  and hip weakness is genetic and its something I have always had, but I am excellent at compensating and have the big boy muscles to do it.  That is how I have done everything marathons, IRONMANS, babies, ....I have compensated.  That fateful day last August when I did the series of exercises all back to back I not only sprained and pinched nerves in my foot, but I finally pushed my back, hip, and glute past its compensation point.  That class was quite literally the straw that broke the camel's back.

It was eye opening to hear all of this and then to have her prove it in a few simple exercises that I could barely do.  Here I am laying on the ground doing basic body movement work and my right side is shaking uncontrollably.  Like having to take breaks between toe taps because I don't have the strength to keep my low back on the floor, hip stationary, and lower and raise my leg.  Talk about discouraging.

So I spent a week being completely sedentary other than the floor exercises and the pain in my foot escalated.....so did my depression.  Its a constant battle of staying moving and working the foot through the pain, and building the right muscles to support the overall recovery of everything but not overdoing it.  Bethany is not sedentary, but doing anything on my foot hurts. 

That is nerve pain.  It hurts to move but its necessary.  When the pain is excruciating, movement and exercise helps, but it hurts.  Nerve pain is all about desensitizing the nerves so that you can use all the parts appropriately.  Somedays I can move into the pain and come out feeling better, other days the pain is so great that I can't wrap my brain around moving into it.  Its hard, man is this hard.

So that is where I am.  Its arduous work but I have to be here because my foot won't get there without it.  This is the work I must do, and amidst my frustration is also this deep rooted idea that this is only going to make me that much stronger both physically and mentally. Pain is becoming a sort of weird friend.  I am working to make peace with it.

So I wake up every day, step on my foot, and move into pain, remaining focused on the important things and living my life grateful and hopeful mixed with some good ugly cries now and then.