I have graduated college, I have run 8 marathons, I have moved across country multiple times,I have been through foreclosures and home purchases, I have have vomited though 2 pregnancies, I have birthed 2 babies, I have trained for and completed an IRONMAN, and this injury, this nerve damage.....this unexpected life interference has been by far the HARDEST thing I have ever dealt with. It has brought me lower than anything, it has exposed every weakness in my spirit, soul, and self. It has sucked away my joy and hope and filled my life with fear and frustration and uncertainty. There have been so many tears. This has changed my life, my lifestyle, how I see myself, my goals. It has impacted my marriage, my friendships, and my interactions. It has exposed everything. My soul has been laid bare. I have lived a great many of the past months clouded and shrouded in anger.
When stuff like this happens.....something unbelievable that drops you off a cliff and you keep falling unable to get back on top, its so easy to look at God and say, "Damn it! WHY? Why is this happening? Why? Why? Why?" I won't lie, at my core in the quiet of my house this has been my constant cry up until about a month and a half ago. Anger, frustration, sadness, and wishing things were different......this has been my life. For the first time in 18 years I am a non-runner. For the first time I can't. I can't do what I want to do. I can't move forward. AND I KEEP GETTING SET BACK.
Why? It was one workout class! How did one day ruin everything?
But, it didn't, it didn't ruin everything, no quite the contrary, and this is where the Lord has stepped in. God is in the business of redemption and sometimes life has to break us for us to experience the life giving freedom and redeeming love of Jesus. But it doesn't happen overnight. The process is long and fraught with detours.
I am a people pleaser and have spent my life up until recently trying to answer a deep seated question down in my heart.
Am I enough?
For years the answer for me has come in the incessant need to DO SOMETHING and then DO MORE. All the things, all the miles, all the classes, all the stuff. Educational achievements, relationship achievements, physical achievements, you name it, the desire to ACHIEVE answered this soul quest. Doing things that pleased not only me but those around me.......I have lived for it. I have so much insecurity, so much self deprecation. I have spent so many years of my life comparing and wishing and beating myself up for failing to have the "perfect" body, the "perfect" diet, the "perfect" whatever all the while screaming internally to be validated without it all.
Am I enough?
Then it all came crashing down.......all of the pretenses I thought validated me came crashing down and there I was. In tears, without the ability to DO, and only the ability to BE and I had to face it.
Yes, absolutely I hope to be able to DO all I love again some day, BUT if I don't, if I never have those labels again, if I live with pain for the rest of my life because of one silly day in the gym. If I am a soft curvy woman instead of a muscle toned athletic bad ass, I AM ENOUGH. I AM.
The Lord's purpose for my life was never to have the perfect figure or race the perfect race or do all the things. I was made for more than living on the Island of Achievement I have had myself marooned on.
I am enough.
And the doors of opportunity are swinging wide. Opportunity to pour life and all of the "enoughness" I am into others and my children, and my husband. The opportunity to speak life, and be, and know those who I have spent years running past. And the greatest gift?
I am moving away from the need to judge myself. I am moving from anger to gratitude. True gratitude. I still cry, and deal with anger, I still doubt and worry, and miss what was. Its a process, but changing the inner dialogue from anger to gratitude even amidst ugly frustrated cries has ushered in the still small voice that tells me without question.......
I am enough.
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