Butterfly Wonder

So 2 weeks ago I got the privilege of being a chaperone for the 2nd grade field trip to the Butterfly Wonderland!  You know, as a mother I walk a careful line of making sure my girls and their school knows I am involved, but not TOO involved.  They all know my name and who my kids are, but at the end of the day, I really pick and choose where to be involved.

Lily has been looking forward to this field trip since she heard all 2nd graders get to do it last year.  She has been so anxious for this one since the beginning of this semester.  I knew this was one of those important moment and I showed up!

That picture aptly describes the experience. WILD, and CRAZY, and LOUD.....so loud.  We all rode the bus together and I kept giggling internally going, "Thank Jesus I am not a teacher. Lord bless all the teachers. Its so loud in here!"

I had a fun group of Lily's classmates to keep track of and I am happy to announce that I did not loose one of them!  Not only that but we made it successfully through the Wonderland without stepping on any butterflies and with only a couple of tears due to lack of butterfly landings.

I kept telling the kids to be quiet and move slowly and one would probably take a respite on them, but alas, they are 2nd graders so only a couple of them managed to be a resting stop.  I had several find their way over and it was a lovely time in the pavillion.

The trip was shorter than we all wanted, but such a fun time!  I am hoping that this will be one of those special memories that Lily recalls as a time when Mom showed up.

From Anger to Gratitude

Alright, I gave you all the low down on my body, so I wanted to share with you all those immeasurably valuable things that the Lord is doing in my life.  God is good.....all the time.

I have graduated college, I have run 8 marathons, I have moved across country multiple times,I have been through foreclosures and home purchases, I have have vomited though 2 pregnancies, I have birthed 2 babies, I have trained for and completed an IRONMAN, and this injury, this nerve damage.....this unexpected life interference has been by far the HARDEST thing I have ever dealt with.  It has brought me lower than anything, it has exposed every weakness in my spirit, soul, and self.  It has sucked away my joy and hope and filled my life with fear and frustration and uncertainty.  There have been so many tears.  This  has changed my life, my lifestyle, how I see myself, my goals.  It has impacted my marriage, my friendships, and my interactions.  It has exposed everything.  My soul has been laid bare.  I have lived a great many of the past months clouded and shrouded in anger.

When stuff like this happens.....something unbelievable that drops you off a cliff and you keep falling unable to get back on top, its so easy to look at God and say, "Damn it!  WHY?  Why is this happening?  Why? Why? Why?"  I won't lie, at my core in the quiet of my house this has been my constant cry up until about a month and a half ago.  Anger, frustration, sadness, and wishing things were different......this has been my life.  For the first time in 18 years I am a non-runner.  For the first time I can't.  I can't do what I want to do.  I can't move forward. AND I KEEP GETTING SET BACK.

Why?  It was one workout class!  How did one day ruin everything?

But, it didn't, it didn't ruin everything, no quite the contrary, and this is where the Lord has stepped in.  God is in the business of redemption and sometimes life has to break us for us to experience the life giving freedom and redeeming love of Jesus. But it doesn't happen overnight.  The process is long and fraught with detours.

I am a people pleaser and have spent my life up until recently trying to answer a deep seated question down in my heart.

Am I enough?

For years the answer for me has come in the incessant need to DO SOMETHING and then DO MORE.  All the things, all the miles, all the classes, all the stuff.  Educational achievements, relationship achievements, physical achievements, you name it, the desire to ACHIEVE answered this soul quest.   Doing things that pleased not only me but those around me.......I have lived for it.  I have so much insecurity, so much self deprecation. I have spent so many years of my life comparing and wishing and beating myself up for failing to have the "perfect" body, the "perfect" diet, the "perfect" whatever all the while screaming internally to be validated without it all.

Am I enough?

Then it all came crashing down.......all of the pretenses I thought validated me came crashing down and there I was.  In tears, without the ability to DO, and only the ability to BE and I had to face it.

Yes, absolutely I hope to be able to DO all I love again some day, BUT if I don't, if I never have those labels again, if I live with pain for the rest of my life because of one silly day in the gym.  If I am a soft curvy woman instead of a muscle toned athletic bad ass, I AM ENOUGH.  I AM.

The Lord's purpose for my life was never to have the perfect figure or race the perfect race or do all the things.  I was made for more than living on the Island of Achievement I have had myself marooned  on.

I am enough.

And the doors of opportunity are swinging wide.  Opportunity to pour life and all of the "enoughness" I am into others and my children, and my husband.  The opportunity to speak life, and be, and know those who I have spent years running past. And the greatest gift?

I am moving away from the need to judge myself.  I am moving from anger to gratitude.  True gratitude. I still cry, and deal with anger, I still doubt and worry, and miss what was.  Its a process, but changing the inner dialogue from anger to gratitude even amidst ugly frustrated cries has ushered in the still small voice that tells me without question.......

I am enough.

Moving Into Pain

So I have had a really hard time wanting to sit down and write another blog about my foot.  Last time I wrote something I remember thinking to myself, "Until I find the fix and start getting back to MY way of doing life I don't want to keep writing about it."  It was a solid plan, a goal oriented plan, but then life and something something about "best laid plans."

I struggle to write too because God is doing incredible and immeasurably valuable work in my life through this and I don't want to just sound like I am complaining or living in the past.  I have been hesitating because I want the goodness of the Lord to shine through and not just the frustration I feel.  So I am going to try over the next couple of posts, and I am going to hope that you can wade through all of this and hear my heart and know I am good.....that in spite of daily frustration I am finding my way  forward.

I titled this post Moving into Pain, because that my friends can pretty much sum up the last 4 months of my life.  To this day I still can't give you a diagnosis on my foot, but what I can tell you is that we are more and more and more sure that the initial injury wasn't a joint or a tendon or a bone injury.  The more I dig, the more we explore, the more we think and talk and wrestle with the pain, the more we are discovering that this injury has ALWAYS been nerve and muscle based.  Hindsight has always been 20/20 and I will not live in the past, but I am going to say it once, how I wish I would have initially done different things.  I know, maybe it wouldn't have turned out differently, but knowing what I know now......gosh I would have taken some different turns.

But I am here.......so where is here?  Nerve pain is miserable,  its unpredictable, its uncurable, and it hurts. Nerve pain morphs from aching one minute to pinching the next to fire the next.  Some days I wake up, step on my foot, and it feels like I have a rock in my shoe, other days it feels like I have a spiny crab under my foot who is pinching my foot with his two claws.  Some days the pain is so great it feels like someone took a couple of 2x4s and smashed my toes. Other days the pain is only so so. There is always pain, its just a measure of how much and how its manifesting.  But here is the thing about nerve damage and treating nerves......you HAVE to move into the pain. And the treating process is long......

So I work with a chiropractor 1 to 2 times per week.  He is amazing.  He told me though that the work he was going to do on my foot was going to hurt.  When I go we do heat and electric stim before he digs in my foot and aggressively stretches and releases my foot and the tissues.  I can't eat before I go.  He then massages my calf where the nerves to my foot start and sends electric shocks down through my toes.  Its awesome.  Then to cap it off he uses the scraper to scrape in between my toes.  I have to breathe, and not talk, and remember that nerve repair requires you to not fear pain.

I know it sounds horrible, but this is how your treat nerves.  Our bodies are incredible and they protect themselves.  The foot is intricate and all connected.  The muscles and nerves in the toes bear so much weight, and after months of muscle straining between the toes, limping, casting, and making the actual problem worse, I have A LOT of work to do.  And so I wake up every morning, step on my foot, vent frustration with an audible "OW!" and remind myself that I CAN move into pain.

So there's that.....then this week I was able to start Physical Therapy with a nerve specialist recommended by my pain doctor.  I had to wait a month to get into her because she and her facility are that good.  She spent the first 10 minutes having me tell my story and watching my foot. "Bethany, your foot is really improving. I know I don't know you, and I can see you are working through some stuff, but your battle with your foot is 60% won because I can tell you don't fear pain. I spend most of my time trying to convince my patients that if you want to get your nerves back you HAVE to move into pain. You have to not be afraid, and I can see you clearly aren't."  I felt so encouraged and then she continued her evaluation.

She proceeded to tell me that she noticed my hip, back, and knee are not operating right and had I ever had low back pain, "Yes, I have had low back pain for many years, I just manage it with weight lifting, stretching, and ignorance."  Her response was priceless....

"When you came in here Bethany and I saw how young and strong you were, I was not sure how I was going to help you, but now I know, and until you correct the weakness in your low back, glute, and hip, your nerve pain is not going to fully improve."  You see, its all connected.  Sciatic, low back,  and hip weakness is genetic and its something I have always had, but I am excellent at compensating and have the big boy muscles to do it.  That is how I have done everything marathons, IRONMANS, babies, ....I have compensated.  That fateful day last August when I did the series of exercises all back to back I not only sprained and pinched nerves in my foot, but I finally pushed my back, hip, and glute past its compensation point.  That class was quite literally the straw that broke the camel's back.

It was eye opening to hear all of this and then to have her prove it in a few simple exercises that I could barely do.  Here I am laying on the ground doing basic body movement work and my right side is shaking uncontrollably.  Like having to take breaks between toe taps because I don't have the strength to keep my low back on the floor, hip stationary, and lower and raise my leg.  Talk about discouraging.

So I spent a week being completely sedentary other than the floor exercises and the pain in my foot escalated.....so did my depression.  Its a constant battle of staying moving and working the foot through the pain, and building the right muscles to support the overall recovery of everything but not overdoing it.  Bethany is not sedentary, but doing anything on my foot hurts. 

That is nerve pain.  It hurts to move but its necessary.  When the pain is excruciating, movement and exercise helps, but it hurts.  Nerve pain is all about desensitizing the nerves so that you can use all the parts appropriately.  Somedays I can move into the pain and come out feeling better, other days the pain is so great that I can't wrap my brain around moving into it.  Its hard, man is this hard.

So that is where I am.  Its arduous work but I have to be here because my foot won't get there without it.  This is the work I must do, and amidst my frustration is also this deep rooted idea that this is only going to make me that much stronger both physically and mentally. Pain is becoming a sort of weird friend.  I am working to make peace with it.

So I wake up every day, step on my foot, and move into pain, remaining focused on the important things and living my life grateful and hopeful mixed with some good ugly cries now and then.

Dear Jill

I don't think you know how incredible you are.  Well, maybe you do, but I am going to go ahead and write it down so that 1. You will know it, 2. If you ever doubt it you can read it again, and 3. Because there aren't many women who can talk about their Mother in Laws with as much love as me.

I have been richly blessed.  You are so much more than a Mother in Law to me and I am so overwhelmed at the gift God gave me in you.  When I met your son, I simply had no idea the wealth of love and support that was going to come with him. You have been one of my biggest fans.  That's special.

I don't tell you in enough ways how grateful I am for the man that you raised.  You did good.  I now understand the challenge and joy of being an intentional parent and I thank you for doing it.  Your son is a man of character.  He is a man of integrity, strength, humility, honor, and deep, deep love.  I waited patiently for God to bring him into my life.  I prayed and prayed for him.  I am humbled when I think about all those years you parented while I prayed.  I even wrote down 10 "standards" for the man I was supposed to marry............he has them all.  He is the man of my dreams Jill.  

But raising my knight in shining armor is really only a small part of what makes me admire and love you. I love the way you give your time and your love without judgement, expectation, or agenda.  You are always present when you are with us Jill.  You are always here and never afraid of living in our mess.  You give your time all the time.  You laugh and love and live.  My girls call you the Grandma that laughs a lot.  Oh to be known like that!  You make me want to laugh more, and worry less.  You remind me how important it is to treasure life and relationships.  You remind me to live joyfully all the time.

You love Jesus.  I mean really LOVE Jesus.  When I look at you and talk to you Jill I see a woman who walks in the garden.  I see a woman, who despite life's sorrows, knows exactly where her source of Joy is. I see a woman who lives the embodiment of being the "hands and feet."  You make me want to know Jesus better.  You are a light in the darkness, a City on a Hill.  Your light doesn't just shine Jill, it radiates from you.  

Jill I am so thankful that I get to call you Mom.  I am so grateful that my children get to call you Grandma.  You are a special woman and you have made a difference in my life.

XOXO 

The Beauty of Blooming

My Lily Lu, such a beautiful young lady.  She is growing up and so very fast these days.  Sometimes I have to sit back and just soak up the fact that she will be a 3rd grader.....and soon.  They were all right, the time does fly.  

BUT, like watching a flower bloom I have so much excitement and anticipation, this young woman is AMAZING.  Completely amazing and I absolutely am loving this growing up thing.  

The other day the girls had a fashion show and Lily walked out in my heels. They fit her.  Its official that her feet are my same size and now I find many pairs of shoes have gone missing.  Mom's stuff is the best, and now I have another closet in which to search.  Lordy.

Oh but I wouldn't change a single thing.

The more I walk through life with this little girl, the more depth I find to her.  Lily feels all the feels.  Like me, Lily is intuitive and has an emotional depth that rivals most.  While she can be so impacted by darkness around her, together we are working to understand her emotional bandwidth as a true gift, and not a curse.  She is aware of others, she feels pain, she feels loss, and she feels loneliness. Her friendships run deep because she dives deep into them.  She loves people to a fault even when they don't show her love in return.  She is learning the hard line between vulnerability and guarding her heart.  Lily has the Lords compassionate heart.  She wants justice, but she also wants you to be okay. If you aren't, well, she wants to help make it right.  Again......all the feels.

Lily is FUN.  Straight up fun to be around.  Her ideas have ideas, and her creativity really knows no bounds. She loves braids, jewlery, and her new interest is sewing and designing.  She will stomp through the mud and muck, hike to the top of a mountain, put on a ballet for you, or design Barbie clothes.

One truly incredible thing about this young woman is her willingness to walk into pain.  I know it sounds like a strange thing to be good at, but Lily doesn't shy away from tears.  She isn't afraid when someone is hurt.  No, quite contrary, Lily is usually the one to rush in, get help, offer comfort, or wipe away blood.  Suffering breaks her heart, but it doesn't scare her.  

Throughout this painful foot injury I have had my fair share of the ugly crying days.  Those days where I simply couldn't hold it together and melted down into a pile of frustrated tears.  I will never forget the day when, amidst a complete emotional storm, Lily came up to my shaking form, wrapped her arms around me and said, "Mommy, just reach out and touch Jesus's cloak.  He heals.........you just have to trust."  

Out of the mouth of my 8 year old came wisdom, understanding, and faith.  That is Lily.

As our first baby, Lily has a lot of expectations both self imposed and parent imposed.  The kid is so strong and yet we are learning that she has a deep vulnerability too.  Its beautiful and I am overwhelmed at the beautiful flower the Lord is blooming.

Wonder Woman 5k

3 months ago when I heard about the Wonder Woman 5k race, I could not contain my excitement.  I LOVE having kids that are old enough to do this stuff, and knowing that Grandma was going to be here only made it that much sweeter.  I was ecstatic to sign us all up.

It was a big ask for me because my foot still deals with extensive nerve pain and at the time that I signed up it was kind of on a whim and a prayer that I was going to be able to participate.  But, my foot is improving, and YES, I was able to show up and "run" this race with my girls.  So empowering, so encouraging. 

Not going to lie I am a bit of a Wonder Woman fanatic, I know.....aren't most women these days?  I am one of them and I have no shame, neither does my family.

We Are WONDER WOMEN!

So is Grandma!  I mean really, how many kids have Grandmas that wear a Wonder Woman shirt and run a 5k with you?  She's pretty amazing!

Poor Evie gashed her leg open on an escalator 2 days prior to the race, but the little creature made the best of it.  Evie, her Daddy, and I stayed together while Lily and Grandma took off on their own.  The Bee wanted uppies for about .25 miles and then that kid RAN the whole rest of the way!

She even flew a little bit........

Evie was so gung ho that we managed to catch up to Lily and Grandma.  It lit Lily's fire when her sister came barreling past her and both girls finished their 5k strong, confident, and proud.  It was so much fun to be a part of.

And I finished a 5k.......not pain free, not without work, rest, and recovery, but I did it.  After 5 months of fear and pain, I did it.

And there was nothing sweeter than doing it with my family.

Pergolas and Grandpas

Im getting behind guys!  The pergolla is nearly complete, and man is it awesome.  I promise to share the finished product once it is actually all finished, but for now lets got back a while.

We are so fortunate to have amazing Grandmas and Grandpas.

For our last half of Spring Break we got to have Grandpa Longmire out for a visit and it was wonderful.  He was so great to come out and work for 3 days to get our pergolla from old to new.  

As with all of our Longmire remodel adventures, this one has give us some trouble.  The guys had to spend an entire day evaluating and problem solving the area around our patio door and the roof.  Its a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG and involved conversation but in a nutshell.....

Roof installed poorly

Crappy previous pergolla installed poorly 

Water intrusion into the wall and behind the door

Many things uneven

And on and on.......

BUT, those men are problem solvers and by golly, after multiple trips to Home Depot, brainstorming sessions, and ideas, they did it and the whole thing started to take shape.

They even worked late into the night painting so that they could get as much done as possible in the daylight hours.  Gosh I love my contractors.

Even though they didn't get as far as they wanted to in the time he was here, they decided to take time away from work to go hiking with us girls.

Arizona is spectacular right now and the trails and desert are simply beautiful.  All 5 of us headed over to the Usery Mountains for a nice long hike Sunday morning.

I am ever so grateful for this family and for the ways in which we are loved.  Its a beautiful thing and we ended the weekend with one very true fact in mind.......we wish Grandpa came out more often!