Reflecting the Real

Yesterday started off rough.  I guess I should be used to it by now, the no sleep thing, but yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just couldn't get going, I felt down, I felt spent and by 8AM in the morning, I just wanted to go back to sleep.  Unfortunately I couldn't do that so I pushed through the morning and school drop off.

You see, since sending Lily to school, I have made a habit of heading to the rec center for a morning dose of "Bootcamp," a class designed to literally take the most in shape of persons and remind them that there is still work to be done.  I have NEVER hurt so much than after I take this class.  Why take it you ask?  Well, its cheaper than therapy and for 1 glorious hour I am kid free.

So anyways, back to yesterday.  I have not stepped on a scale in a while and I decided to venture a weigh in before class started.  I stepped on the scale sure that I was going to weigh within a certain range and well, I didn't. In one singular moment, my whole view of myself plummeted.  I got up on the track and started to run while negative self image thoughts swirled around in my head.  On about the 10th lap before class I found myself in a cloud of frustration and self doubt.

The instructor started the class in true bootcamp style.  "Grab your weights and do lunges twice around the track!"  We ran stairs, jumped rope, did pushups and dips followed by yet another set of lunges around the track.  When we looked tired she told us to run harder, when we slowed down she challenged us to speed up.  When 50 push ups turned into 20 she empowered us to do a few more.  It burned, but I doggedly did it all.

Finally towards the end, she had us plank for 2 minutes.  I assumed the plank position and for the first time in the hour looked up to see my hard working reflection in the mirror.  This is what I saw.

STRENGTH, MIGHT, WILL.  Seeing the muscles in my upper body hold fast while I worked to hold the plank instantly made me stop.  Right then I said to myself, "Why did I give that stupid scale any power to make me question who I am? Why did I let that number dictate my view of myself?  I am stronger than I have ever been.  Know it, Own it, be Proud of it."

We women have a bad habit of letting a number dictate our worth.  After Wednesday I have committed to not stepping on a scale unless I have to (ie. doctor).  I will never let that box dictate my worth or allow it to be a door to self doubt.  I want to be a strong woman, not just thin.  I want my weight to be measured in will rather than in numbers. I want to find power in who I am, and not what I weigh.

Thanks workout room mirror for being a reflection of the real me.  The powerful, strong and driven woman.