I will have to be completely transparent here and tell you that the past month has been...well....depressing. There is just no other way to describe what we have been feeling and dealing with around here. Today I feel more hopeful and more at peace than I have in a while so I think it is now time to really talk about what is going on in the Longmire life.
Putting Rocky down last month really was hard on me. It was really hard on all of us, but me most of all. I never would have guessed the overwhelming guilt that I felt following his passing. It was OVERWHELMING. Since Lily came on the scene, Rocky had really ended up on the bottom of my list. Actually at times I don't even think he was on my list. All of a sudden every "doggie" thing that he did (ie, eat trash, pull while walking, smell like a dog, eat anything that could be considered food) was the biggest annoyance and at times I wanted to donate him to the nearest Goodwill. Over the past year, I found myself struggling to really love him unconditionally especially when he added more stress to my life. Just another mess to clean up. This lead to me forgetting to get his rabies up to date. The day we put him down he bit the doctor out of pain and instead of having him cremated they had to send him to animal control to be dissected and tested. It sound morbid and it felt so morbid. He was a good boy, he was a loyal boy, he deserved better than that. So the guilt just held me. It has been a slow healing process and I have since let go of the guilt, but the pain of not having Rocky is really hard at times. There is an ever present emptiness around here that will only diminish with time.
Lily and Jansci just love being outside, even if Lily looks less than excited here.
Our biggest valley these days has to do with Bob's employment. There is a lot of uncertainty on the horizon and we are desperately trying to figure out what the plan is. It is frustrating to have to be wondering where the Lord would want us to be. We really have very few ties here in North Carolina and it would be so wonderful to move closer to family, but we have to go where the Lord wants us. The uncertainty of income plays into everything including our current living situation. Our lease is expiring in a few months and all of us are trying to figure out where we are supposed to go next. When we decided to live together, I thing we all thought that in a year we would be more confident of our income and be moving up in the world. Instead we find ourselves wondering how all of our "ends" are actually going to "meet." Gods waiting room is sometimes a hard place to be in.
All the kiddos loved the calf at Ag Awareness on the campus of NC State. Fun outing!
With all of this rheumenating in my mind, depression has come like a lion. For the past month all of my time has been spent either worrying, wishing, or working on whatever I can to feel useful. I have found myself consumed with it and depressed that none of my questions have answers. Oy!
But.....Spring has come! Trees are blooming, new life is coming and the next chapter of our lives is around the corner. For the first time in a while I woke up this morning with a great sense of hope. We still have no idea what our future will hold, but I know who holds our future, a God who is good, faithful and true. The same God who brings the new life of Spring out of the cold dark of Winter. Praise His Name!
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