Finding True Peace

"Finding peace is having a willingness to accept life for what it is, 

not for what you think, want or hope it to be."

This is a quote that I heard one time and it has kind of become a personal motto in my life.  I think it impacted me so much because I desperately want to be a woman at peace.  Someone who is seen as an oasis in the midst of chaos, personal differences, anxiety, stress and the chaos of life's storms.  A person that sees life as an ever changing, unexpected journey and is unchanged by the highs and lows.  I want to be a woman at peace.

I have made great strides in this over the past 5 years.  The constant change/moving has helped bring me closer to my goal, but I am not there yet.  I am struggling right now finding peace amidst this pregnancy.  It has been so hard, it has been so miserable and all of my hopes and expectations that the "second pregnancy would be easier," have been dashed.  I thought it would be better, I wanted it to be easier, and I had high hopes that I would simply glow this time.

My running has come to a screeching halt, due to intense hip and lower back pain.  The pain I have been dealing with is pain that I remember having with Lily at 36 weeks, not 28.  How can this be happening?  It's not fair!  Why isn't it easier?  In the span of two weeks I have become increasingly sedentary, even walking hurts.  I wake up in pain at night, sometimes unable to walk.  My belly feels so tight, the muscles really reacting to the stretch and I still am nauseas every day.  I am having braxton hicks contractions, am sensitive to several foods that I never had a problem with pregnant with Lily and simply find life exhausting.  I don't like how I feel, I struggle to remain positive and remember the end product.  I hurt.  I have a toddler who is in her twos, who needs me, all of me, of which I struggle to give her.  Frankly there are times when I can't and I feel guilty about it.  She deserves better, so does Bob, but I just CAN'T give it.  It shouldn't be this way!

I have not said all of this as a woe is me or to be a victim of my pregnancy, but I cannot make my point about finding true peace without sharing with you how utterly difficult having a "willingness to accept life for what it is" has been!  I don't want to accept it, I want it to be different.  How often do we respond to life's hard times with this attitude?

Psalm 37:7 says, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

I found this verse amidst my own struggles and have been encouraged in this place of discomfort.  The point of this verse isn't to "wait patiently," it's to "Be still before the Lord."  Stillness is one of those words synonymous with peace. It means the same, a willingness to accept what is and be still in your circumstances.  Since discovering this verse I have cried out to the Lord.  God I cannot run and struggle to walk, I'm frustrated. Be still before Me.  I am nauseas and so tired of vomiting. Be still before Me.  I am anxious and worried that I am not being the best mother I can, or wife. Be still before Me.  Why is this so difficult and why isn't it easier? Be still before Me. How can I do this for 3 more months and how are we going to handle all of these medical bills!? Be still before Me Bethany.

Yes Lord, I hear you.

So this week I have made a choice to accept what is.  I am still uncomfortable, I am still nauseas, I still can't run, but I can be at peace.  I WILL be still before my Lord and allow Him to lead and hold me as I accept what is and not what I had hoped for.  I am on my journey, I won't give up, I will find my way to a place of true peace.

A Tiny Addition

This past weekend, we made the trip up to Cheyenne, WY to get our first in person look at the precious new Elly Katherine.  Chase and Beth were gracious enough to let us invade their home for a day and take in the wonderful newness and sweetness of their little girl.  Oh she was absolutely precious.

We could barely get in the door before I got to have her snuggled in my arms.  Both Bob and I traded her back and forth for nearly 8 hours.  We were remembering how wonderful it was to have a baby stay in one place and just sleep.

The difference between infant and toddler is in one word, energy.  Every second with Lily is either constant movement or constant communication.  With Elly, she was content to either look at us with her big blue eyes or sleep peacefully cooing for a couple of hours.  We enjoyed every moment and found ourselves anxiously anticipating Evie's arrival.

Elly is in one word, precious.  It seems like an overused word to use, but I just couldn't stop saying it.  Chase and Beth were both quick to remind us that she was apparently on her best behavior for us and that she is normally not that "precious." I know how that goes, but every moment spent with her was lovely.

The Many Faces of Elly:

Oh I just couldn't snuggle her enough.  I did find it pretty cute though that when I would lay her on my chest my little Evie would kick and punch at her from inside.  It didn't phase Elly one little bit, but Evie was quick to remind me that "Hey Mom, that's my spot."

Later in the afternoon Lily got to hold little Elly.

 Bob and I were far more concerned than Chase and Beth.  We had talked to Lily all week about baby Elly and how we had to have soft hands and be gentle.  I shouldn't have worried so much.  Lily was an absolute doll with Elly and was so gentle.

She kissed, snuggled, cood and talked to Elly just like a great big sister.  We were so very proud of her.

The day brought to light how amazing God is and how simply miraculous these little lives are.  Beth and I talked about how much we missed Gran Fran, especially since so many babies are coming into our family.  It reminded us that life is a special journey, one with a beginning and an end.  A life well lived is as much a cause for celebration as a new life just starting.  Somehow snuggling Elly with Evie prancing in my tummy brought me close to Gran Fran again.  It made me smile and hope that, even if only for a minute, maybe Gran Fran could look out her window and catch a glimpse of the precious ones who will forever be a part of her.

The Greatest thing about Colorado

.....is that if you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes, it will change.  It's hard to believe, but trust me, the second you don't believe it will happen you will go out in shorts and get caught in a blizzard.  This past week had demonstrated this phenom perfectly!

Last weekend we were hit with a big blizzard over the weekend.  Even down in  Denver we got about a foot of snow in the course of about 8 hours.  I love blizzard days and it was really fun to sit inside and watch the snow fall.  My toddler got stir crazy very quickly so Bob bundled her up and sent her out in the snow.

They must have had fun because they were out there for a good 45 minutes.  I was regaled with stories once she came back in.  All about snow angels, snowballs, footprints and snowflakes.  The cold doesn't phase her one little bit and I am sure she would stay out in the snow and cold until she was blue before choosing to come inside.  Toddlers are just so fun.

In true Colorado fashion, it was blizzarding on Saturday and by Wednesday the snow was gone and it was a warm 70 degrees.  Thursday we were all practically in shorts.  Of course the higher temps don't last for long here in this end of Winter season, but we are still enjoying the 50's, with snow forecasted again.

The warm weather brought us a surprise visit from Traci and her sister Mallory.  It would seem that Mallory may be making the move out to Denver which simply delights me with the prospect of seeing Traci, Tyler and her family more often.  We enjoyed catching up over dinner on Friday and sharing a cup of coffee on Saturday.  It was short and sweet, but any time spent in the Colorado beauty with a few of my favorite people is time well spent!

1st is Great, 2nd is Better, but 3rd is the BEST!

Oh we have reached that milestone!  The 3rd trimester has arrived, oh its here, and it makes me absolutely want to jump for joy.  Of course, in true "this pregnancy" fashion, I woke up over the toilet.  I am sure you are all sick of hearing it, but, well, its my life right now.  This second baby has been HARD, so very hard.

I, as well as a host of other women, continue to remind me that once little Evie is in my arms it will all be worth it.  I know that, but boy, it is so challenging right now.  Praise the LORD he has given us the ability to forget.  I am anxious to forget much about this pregnancy.  I must say that amidst the bloating, muscle discomfort, burning hip pain, nausea and my "glow," I am so blessed that Evie Frances is an active little lady.  She moves constantly and seems to kick and squirm all day long.  She especially favors the early morning and late evening, which of course wreaks havoc on my sleep.  It's okay, every movement reminds me of how miraculous she is and how good God is.

I have been learning much these days about mission, purpose and identity.  Motherhood is one of those things that is an unprecedented blessing and joy.  It is also the most difficult, frustrating, discouraging, frightening, uncertain and sometimes lonely career path any woman could choose.  It is day in, day out, constant work that you don't get paid for, except in kisses and hugs.

Now I am not belittling that kind of payment, it is wonderful and so rewarding, but in this world where everything "costs," not having a monetary income can quickly steal my joy and purpose.  Especially when things are tight, and we are living on one income.  Remembering that mothering these little ones is truly the most important work I could be doing is hard and so many times it is overshadowed by the flood of bills and "responsibilities" that seem to be never ending and ever increasing.  I have had to really evaluate the place money has in my life and to stay focused on what truly matters, the hearts of my little girls.

It is exciting today to be hit with the realization that Evie will be here in less than 3 months.  Our little family of 3 will grow one more.  Life will change......again, motherhood will become ever more constant, but my mission and purpose will remain.  Loving, growing and readying these precious little girls for a life with Christ.

When I See Your Face.....

...there's not a thing that I would change, 'cause you're amazing, just the way you are!

Lyrics to a song sung by the infamous Bruno Mars.  Sure they were supposed to be sung by a hopeless romantic to his one and only true love, but today they just seemed fitting for this little face.

The one really awesome thing about having a "potential" genetic problem is that you get to have lots of ultrasounds.  Today we had a growth ultrasound for our little girl.  After measuring and moving around, lub dubs and heartbeat counting, the consensus is she is looking perfect.  She is on the tiny size at present.  While I am thrilled that she could be a small baby I was a little nervous that she is only in the 18th percentile.  The Doc assured me that he wasn't concerned and that she is just small.  Grace then suggested that just maybe after a very hard pregnancy the Lord was going to gift me with a small girl and easy delivery.  I will pray for that.

After measuring her size he took a look at her feet and said without hesitation, "but she's got big feet!"  Yep, no doubt who's kiddo she is!  Although there are no red flags, the Doc wants us to schedule yet another growth ultrasound in 6 weeks.  These ultrasounds are becoming like milestones for me.  Just think, the next time we get a peek inside I will be 32 weeks or so!

Today Lily simple cannot put down her sister's pictures.  She keeps pointing to the one above and saying, "That's Evie's face and her eyes, and her nose."  Yep it is, her perfect little face.

My Jesus, My Joy

Oh Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

Today Lord is a good day.  A day of hope and a day of great joy and I am blessed that You have given it to me.  Thank you for my life, for my breath, for my family and for this precious Evie doing jumping jacks inside of my womb.  I am simply overwhelmed with Your goodness.  You have given me a day of rest and blessed the day with SNOW!  Lord you have reached out of eternity and met me in my space.  You have spoken directly to my heart.  Thank you Lord.

Baby Evie is healthy, her little heart is beating, I am healthy and have not vomited for nearly 2 weeks!  Lord you are good! We have had so much pain in the past 2 months, so much hardship, but in You I find joy.  Help me remember that in the dark times  Your light always shines.

My Jesus, My JOY

The Busy Life

My dear friend Grace just wrote one of the most powerful blog posts I have read about her "simple" life and prayer.  (Grace's Blog) I read it with a sense of wonder and contemplated my visit out to Texas and now my life here in the Big City of Denver.

Bob and I are not the "simple life" kind of people.  We will probably always live in a city environment, Bob will probably always work for a big town company and we will most likely find ourselves immersed in a community of thousands.  We have our big TV, IPADS, Kindles, and cellphones and although considered normal are probably far too "plugged in."  We watch the news, occasionally, but we watch it. We read the news on Google, Yahoo, or any "news pop up" we have programmed on our devices.  We know when the Grammy's are, the Oscars, the Tonys and all other mindless awards shows.  In fact, we enjoy the Oscars so much we made it our mission to watch most all of the nominated pictures so that we could formulate our own opinions on who should win.  When we aren't watching movies we have our regular TV lineup to stay up to date on.  What can I say, we live the "normal" life.

I have a Kohls, Target, Walmart, Chic-fil-A, King Soopers, Safeway, Starbucks etc within walking distance from my little apartment, I have a mall 10 minutes away.   Its easy to find parks and things to do when just staying home won't cut it.  We get flyers, coupons and discounts in the mail, we have to work hard not to spend money like we have it.  Our airport is only a short drive away.  Its our life.  As a stay at home mom I wouldn't have called our life busy, until I had the chance to visit a simpler place.  I think that is what moved me so about Grace's post.

In my busy city life I have noticed how easy it is to get so bombarded with "busy" that we forget the simple things, like prayer.  Prayer in the small things, the everyday things, the things that seem silly, but ultimately matter.  Instead of seeking the Lord for help on some issue we consult our phones, our friends, our computers.   Frankly Google gets more Facetime than the Lord in this life of ours.  Being out in the quiet "unplugged" space of a hay farm in Saint Jo, Texas brought me back to the heart of prayer, back to the heart of what our relationship with Jesus is supposed to look like.  Grace prayed for everything.

No, they weren't long prayers, they were conversational, "Lord, please help us find that cow,"  "Lord, keep Sebron safe on the tractor," "Lord, please move this cow, she is stuck and I don't know what to do," "Lord help us preggos run another day," "Lord, thank you for another beautiful morning."  Here I was taking in the situation like it was just mine to observe and sweet Grace was praying, conversing with the Lord, having a relationship.  I was humbled.

It's a shame that it takes a trip to a "simpler" life to remind us of our need for relationship.  I know that I need Jesus, but really how often in the day to I reach for Him?  Sadly not many.  In this world of busyness we have a constant who is always there far after the battery life dies and the news ends.  He is literally a friend that is by our side all day long and yet most of us, myself included, give Him the silent treatment.  Not being a very good friend if you ask me.

While I may never live the "simple" life, I want my heart to always be in a simple place.  Prayer isn't just for the big, hard things in this life, its for LIFE.

Keep it simple and pray without ceasing.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~ Philippians 4:6