Finding True Peace

"Finding peace is having a willingness to accept life for what it is, 

not for what you think, want or hope it to be."

This is a quote that I heard one time and it has kind of become a personal motto in my life.  I think it impacted me so much because I desperately want to be a woman at peace.  Someone who is seen as an oasis in the midst of chaos, personal differences, anxiety, stress and the chaos of life's storms.  A person that sees life as an ever changing, unexpected journey and is unchanged by the highs and lows.  I want to be a woman at peace.

I have made great strides in this over the past 5 years.  The constant change/moving has helped bring me closer to my goal, but I am not there yet.  I am struggling right now finding peace amidst this pregnancy.  It has been so hard, it has been so miserable and all of my hopes and expectations that the "second pregnancy would be easier," have been dashed.  I thought it would be better, I wanted it to be easier, and I had high hopes that I would simply glow this time.

My running has come to a screeching halt, due to intense hip and lower back pain.  The pain I have been dealing with is pain that I remember having with Lily at 36 weeks, not 28.  How can this be happening?  It's not fair!  Why isn't it easier?  In the span of two weeks I have become increasingly sedentary, even walking hurts.  I wake up in pain at night, sometimes unable to walk.  My belly feels so tight, the muscles really reacting to the stretch and I still am nauseas every day.  I am having braxton hicks contractions, am sensitive to several foods that I never had a problem with pregnant with Lily and simply find life exhausting.  I don't like how I feel, I struggle to remain positive and remember the end product.  I hurt.  I have a toddler who is in her twos, who needs me, all of me, of which I struggle to give her.  Frankly there are times when I can't and I feel guilty about it.  She deserves better, so does Bob, but I just CAN'T give it.  It shouldn't be this way!

I have not said all of this as a woe is me or to be a victim of my pregnancy, but I cannot make my point about finding true peace without sharing with you how utterly difficult having a "willingness to accept life for what it is" has been!  I don't want to accept it, I want it to be different.  How often do we respond to life's hard times with this attitude?

Psalm 37:7 says, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

I found this verse amidst my own struggles and have been encouraged in this place of discomfort.  The point of this verse isn't to "wait patiently," it's to "Be still before the Lord."  Stillness is one of those words synonymous with peace. It means the same, a willingness to accept what is and be still in your circumstances.  Since discovering this verse I have cried out to the Lord.  God I cannot run and struggle to walk, I'm frustrated. Be still before Me.  I am nauseas and so tired of vomiting. Be still before Me.  I am anxious and worried that I am not being the best mother I can, or wife. Be still before Me.  Why is this so difficult and why isn't it easier? Be still before Me. How can I do this for 3 more months and how are we going to handle all of these medical bills!? Be still before Me Bethany.

Yes Lord, I hear you.

So this week I have made a choice to accept what is.  I am still uncomfortable, I am still nauseas, I still can't run, but I can be at peace.  I WILL be still before my Lord and allow Him to lead and hold me as I accept what is and not what I had hoped for.  I am on my journey, I won't give up, I will find my way to a place of true peace.