The past 3 days have been traumatically wonderful. Yeah, I know it sounds strange and I am sure you are wondering where in the world I am going with this. How else do you describe 3 days that have been so low and miserable I found myself railing against God, and so wonderful I found myself thanking Him for His goodness? Once you finish this post, you will understand.
I woke up Friday morning to the dreaded, "Boy, honey, I don't feel well." No, it wasn't me this time, it was Bob. Last week was one of those yucky weeks for me that started with 2 days of vomiting. By Friday I was still not feeling great and debating the logic of attempting my final 10 miler the following day. When Bob woke up sick I had this foreboding feeling. That tiny little voice that said, "Oh good, a holiday weekend and we are going to be sicker than sick, get ready." Then it got real low.
I got a call Friday night letting me know that one of the couples in our family had just delivered their baby at 36 weeks after discovering there was no heartbeat. This precious little one was born into the arms of Jesus, his precious parents struggling with unbelievable shock and loss. I cannot imagine, I couldn't fathom and frankly I have never felt such unbridled emotion. How could something so tragic happen? What was going on? Where was the LORD??? I went to bed praying for a miracle I knew would not happen, asking for redemption and crying my heart and eyes out. I spent the night waiting and feeling for Evie, relishing each brief movement and kick. I couldn't sleep, wouldn't sleep, but was utterly exhausted. I have never felt so angry, low and sad.
Saturday began with more tears and a sore throat for me. Gosh will this sickness thing ever end? I found myself in constant emotional pain desperately trying to offer comfort to those closest to the sweet parents. To those who reached out to me as a source of relief. What could I say? nothing. What could I do? nothing. There was no amount of words, or religious platitudes that would fix it. No, just my tears, mixed in with this precious little angel's aunts, cousins and family. Oh the burden was great. I found myself screaming at God? Where are YOU? Where is the grace? Where is the mercy? Oh it was low and dark. Couple this with constant baby sickness and now a sore throat, aching head and snotty nose and you have what can only be described as a Valley of Darkness.
I didn't, couldn't run my 10 miles and havent been able to run since, and as Saturday progressed Bob got worse and worse. Poor guy. Sunday was the all time health low for Bob. He spent the entire day in bed unable to keep anything from coming back out. I felt yucky but was on full parent mode. Thankfully we had a wonderful distraction in the evening and Lily and I went to celebrate Kennleighs and MyKenna's birthday.
Thank the Lord for happy things..... my cup was going on empty by that time.
Bob spent Saturday night coughing himself silly, while I slept on the couch propped up with 4 pillows unable to breathe and unable to take anything because, well, I'm pregnant. I broke the monotony of sickness by relishing each kick and movement of my little girl. Oh for silver linings.
By yesterday, when I woke up, I could only describe the feeling as hopeless. I was tired, felt icky, Bob too and we had a very rambunctious toddler (who managed to dodge this whole nastiness, knock on wood) to entertain. Then, I got the text message that Chase and Beth were in the hospital laboring to bring little Elly Katherine into the world. Ah HOPE! I made it my mission yesterday to have my phone within an arms reach at all time, follow every update and forward them onto those who, like me, needed some joy. Finally at 4:00pm Elly arrived, perfect in every way.
Thank you Jesus! With every picture, every text message, every Facebook post, I felt my cup slowly slowly beginning to fill up faster than it was emptying.
Today we are still not feeling great, but, the weekend is over. Praise the Lord that sorrow may last for a night (okay 4 nights) but joy DOES come again.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,for His compassions never fail.They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness....Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,so great is His unfailing love.For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to any human being.
Lamentations 3: 22, 23 & 33
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