Hello Inner Sinner!

When Bob and I were in college, we had a good buddy that claimed he had an inner fat child. We would laugh so hard because every time we would go for ice cream or eat that extra handful of chips, he would dig into the bag and say, “Gotta feed Stampy!” Yes, he actually had a name for his inner fat child. As we got to know him and questioned him about this inner persona, he would always tell us that it was tangible evidence of a deeper struggle. Moderation versus excess.

While I don't particularly have an inner fat child, I have discovered that I too have an “inner” person. I am going to call it my “inner sinner.” I have found that there is an extremely sinful side of me that, if it weren't for the grace of God, would lead me into very dark places. Without the blood of Christ covering me, in fact, I could be really hurtful and flat out mean. I see this inner sinner want to come out most when I am frustrated over being treated unjustly or feeling taken advantage of. I know, its normal to feel defensive in those times, but I REALLY have to work to not bite the heads off of the individual on the other side of the argument. Case in point:

Our old apartment complex called and wanted to charge us a crazy amount of money to replace the carpeting claiming we had pet urine in three spots, we didn't (I confess to one). The $300 pet fee we gave them was not a deposit but rather a “privilege” fee so they wouldn't be using that to help pay for the replacement. SERIOUSLY??? So I decided to go to the complex, see for myself and discuss the issue. I spent the whole drive praying, “Lord, I cannot believe they are doing this. We were excellent tenants and left the apartment spotless. I am so mad Lord! Please help me act in a manner honoring to you while modeling good christian conflict resolution to my daughter.” All the while my inner sinner was just hankering for a knock out drag out fight. I'm ready, if they were going to bring it.....SO WAS I! Just let me at them, let me at them!

I politely walked in and was directed to a manager who, I am assuming, does “fight with the tenants over replacement costs” all day. Once I made it politely clear that I had no intention of paying for the large bill and she was going to need to work with me, I sparked something in her that literally made the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up. As we began what I will call a lively debate, my inner sinner was fighting like a caged animal to come out and play. As I held my innocent, totally clueless baby in my arms I prayed, and prayed, and prayed for the Lord to help me model the correct way to stand up for yourself when someone is literally standing over you giving you the whats what. At one point, I actually had to calm the manager down because she was so fired up. After an hour long ordeal I was able to successfully and positively resolve the issue fairly. We both pay 50/50. I put precious Lily in the car and thanked the Lord again and again for helping me hold captive my inner sinner, stand up for myself, engage someone that was ready for a fight and bring it to a close peacefully.

It is times like this though that I am humbled at the grace given to me and very aware at what a wretch I would be without the blood. In Ephesians 4 Paul talks about becoming new, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds.” What is hard though, is that once you have put on the new, your old still wants to come back. No let me rephrase, it DESPERATELY wants to come back. Killing the old self is a day in and day out struggle that is only won when you are fervently seeking and relying on the power of the Holy Spirit to rule in your life. The second you think you have your inner sinner reigned in on your own is the second it flies loose, wreaks havoc and shows you the old stuff still lurking around in your heart.

Colossians 3
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Thank you Lord for helping me honor you, love others and hold captive my inner sinner today.