Brave Enough

It's been quite the year guys and this post may make perfect sense to some and fall completely lost on others.  This post is one that I need to make......more of a confession I need to make.  Like I said, its been quite the year, and up until recently I have never felt more lost or frustrated.

IRONMAN was a big deal.  It changed everything.  It demanded that I become someone hyper driven, hyper motivated, hyper focused, and hyper intense.  For 4 years I dreamed of crossing that line......for 4 years I constantly reached for the next big thing.  Race after race, day after day.  Work harder, run longer, push faster.......you gotta get to IRONMAN. It changes you.

In the most amazing of ways and in the harshest of ways it changes you.  It did me.  I became strong and fearless.  I became empowered.  I also became an addict of sorts.  I needed the rush......the feeling......the kuddos of doing the next big thing.  The more I did it, the more I loved the feeling.  It was good to be good at this stuff.  I felt part of the cool kid crowd.  The problem though, is that, if you aren't careful and don't have enough self awareness, you get sucked into it.......and its never enough.  However many miles you did on your bike, someone has done more.  No matter how many races you have paid $$$$$ for, there is someone who has paid for more.  No matter how much you have trained someone has always done more. Someone is always faster, better, and stronger than you......and its hard not to want to get faster, and better, and stronger.  Its a rat race.....and its addictive.

At this time last year, Bob, exhausted from a year spent with only half my attention, asked me point blank if following the race I could just stop the incessant need to be racing and training for a while.  I was so taken back, "are you kidding me? no way!"  The rush, the feeling of it all.  No, nada, no way was I giving it up.  Sure honey, Ill "step back," but no.  I have no intention of stopping.  Point in fact I have 7 races I want to do next year!  I was so caught up in it.  I needed my fix......

And much like the alcoholic, it has slowly been devouring me and my family.

I have not hidden my journey through the recovery process.  I have not been internally healthy this year.  Yes, I have gotten help, but all the while I have continued to push my body to achieve things. Even when I started to really find balance and health I ramped up for a marathon. Race after race, day after day.  I haven't stopped, or rested.  Bob has asked and I have refused......talk about stubborn.  We have wrestled all year with this issue.  We have argued more this year than in our past 12 years.  I have never tried so hard to die on a hill.

But last month it happened. Life looks completely different this year than last year.  We are so busy.  I have been travelling every weekend, my parents moved here and we have helped them settle, my kids have playdates, and parties, and events.  The school schedule is all awry with Halloween, and holidays approaching.  I am wonderfully busy with my photography this year.  We have so much going on.  In my need to stay training I have been pushing my body so far beyond the limits of normal.  I wasn't fully healthy when I started the process and have now taxed my entire system again. Stress is like a constant companion. I have gotten so caught up in the belief that I can do it all right now, and I finally , FINALLY realized something.......

I can't

I stepped out of the Tucson Marathon, and turned all of our racing next year over to Bob.  I'm done pushing for something that simply is not fitting into our life.  I want to feel healthy and whole.  I want to sleep through the night again, I want to wake up and have full choice on what to do that day.  I want to do yoga and hiking and spin classes and take walks.  I don't know why I felt I had to keep pushing so hard.  I had nothing to prove.  Man did my priorities really get jumbled in all of this.  Bob matters more, the girls matter more, my sanity and health matters more.

So I have removed all pressure to do this stuff.  At first I worried I would feel angry, but I don't.  Nothing but peace and happiness and joy has come.  I am lighter and brighter and freer.  Its been amazing.

My racing days are not over, and IRONMAN and marathons may be in my future, but for now I am content to say maybe and not will be.  I am also ready to answer the "what are you training for?" question with a "Nothing." It's time to embrace life differently.  It's time to open new chapters.

I am Brave Enough