Home for the Holidays

This year Bob and I decided to keep our little family inside the Colorado borders for the Christmas season.  Even though I love traveling to see all of our extended family, the prospect of staying home for the holidays made me giddy.  We decided to spend Christmas as well as the days leading up to it with Memaw and Papa.  I love the mountains.  It is so nostalgic and special.  I LOVE it!  

This year Papa put up the train as well as the little snow village around the tree.  I remember when I was a little girl and just loved setting up the town with all of the figurines.  This year, Lily could not stop talking about all of the horses and carriages in the town.  She kept on wanting to show everyone.  "Now, this is the one carriage, and this is the other one.  This one is my favorite.  Yeah, I like this one the most."  It made me so happy and brought me back to many past Christmases.

Evie was in desperate need of a snowsuit so this year Memaw let her open one of her presents a few days early.  The little pink suit that came out of the box was absolutely perfect and so snuggly.  Evie looked too cute even if she was a little like a puffy marshmallow.  She was perfectly content in the cold air and loved being outside in her snug little suit.  Lily of course has no fear when it comes to cold and we could hardly convince her that she needed to wear a jacket AND boots.  We had such a good time one afternoon playing with horses in the arena and letting the dogs get some energy out showing us their "dog agility."

I spent a glorious 4 days immersed in my book while Bob fully entertained the two girls we call ours.  It was sublime.  

When the girls weren't sleeping or playing with Memaw, Bob got his workout on by flying them overhead.  Lily's latest fun is to see if she can touch the ceiling.  Bob has always been accurate, and as you can see she loves it.  Her delight is simply tangible when she is playing with her Daddy.  Evie has just started to love the flying game too and found herself mid air a few times.  The girls fly better at high altitude and Bob is only too happy to oblige!  Good thing he's nice and strong.

On Christmas Eve we all headed to my old church for the 3 pm Cowboy Service.  It is a really fun service and this year I got to help lead with my Mom and Aunt.  I love singing with those ladies and the entire service was wonderful.  Growing up I always looked forward to Christmas Eve at church because it meant I was that much closer to Christmas Morning.  Lily was tired and crazy so catching her in motion for a picture was challenging, but what a special time to spend with Memaw and Papa.  Two of the most special people.  I'm awfully glad my girls have them.....me too!

Christmas morning came and the baby gave me the best present EVER, she slept in.  Oh it was wonderful and we all woke up with smiles and "Merry Christmas" spirit.  The tree was layered in gifts for the two smallest members and we watched with giggles as Lily officially hit the "I'm overwhelmed" stage and sat quietly playing with her stickers and new "horse grooming barn" (way to go Gramma Jill and Grandpa Steve.  That little barn was the hit!).  Evie was completely content with her new toothbrush (Thanks Memaw) and was amused with little else.  She got an entire new wardrobe and I had a blast opening all of her little packages!

Lily got a new math learning game and Bob had too much fun testing it out.  The little pen lights up green when you are right and red when you are wrong.  He loved it.  Boy, as you get older you find joy in super simple things that you know you are gonna get right and a little dog pen will tell you, "Good Job, you are GREAT!"

As our holiday in the mountains came to a close, we had this amazing privilege of seeing some of the White family again.  This family is like my surrogate family.  They are a family of 11 kiddos and the two oldest girls were my best friends growing up.  Janet, the mom, is like a second mother to me and it warmed my heart to see her and some of the kids again.  So much life has happened since we saw them last and it did my heart good to hug at least a small percent of the White family.  Janet lost her husband Jim a couple of years ago and many of the kids have spread out over the country.  I guess a lot of life happens especially when you don't see someone for nearly 10 years.  I could not have asked for a better ending for our Christmas at home.  

Traditions

As Bob and I have started our family, the conversation of traditions has been had numerous times.  Mixing two traditions is challenging, but really figuring out what kind of traditions we want separate from our own upbringing can be a little overwhelming and thought provoking.  Traditions set in motion during childhood seat themselves upon the mind and become engraved on the heart.  As Bob and I are deciding what we want our little family traditions to be we are immersing our girls in the traditions that we both grew up with.

One of the traditions that is a part of my life is pie making.  My Grandma Fran was an exquisite pie maker and made it a point to pass down her wisdom to me.

Its special to me and I have fond memories of Grandma's floured hands carefully rolling out the dough, her words echoing, "Now Bethany, remember not to handle the dough too much, you'll make it stiff."  She would make pumpkin, apple, cherry, strawberry, raspberry and all sorts of pies.  Holidays weren't the same without the tradition of Gran Fran's pies.

I'm so glad she took the time all those years ago to impart her wisdom to me.  I treasure it, especially now that she has gone.  As the one year of her passing arrives I have found myself clinging to the memories I have of her.  It might just be my paltry attempt at keeping her close during this season.  Perhaps it is simply a way to be near her.  I don't know, but making pies is definitely one of those traditions that I am going to keep for my girls.

As I did each one of the precious steps Gramma used to do, I watched with joy as Lily gleefully asked, "Mommy, can I help?"  and I couldn't help but smile when she helped me squish the edges.

In times like holidays its easy to miss the ones we have lost.  I suppose that is the great thing about traditions, they help us remember.  I look forward to establishing our own family traditions, but am grateful for the ones already handed down.

And of course, no pie making tradition would be Grandma Frans without a little cinnamon sugar crisp with the left over dough.....Yum.

Magnificat

The week before Christmas, the pastor of our Church spoke on this moving and powerful passage in Luke.  Mary's song, her manifesto, her heart's melody. I've sung it, I've read it, but this was the first year, that I felt it. To be called at such a young age to bear the burden of an out of wedlock pregnancy, and to do so with utter faith and trust in the Lord's provision and Sovereignty hit me afresh this year.  Mary had a willingness rooted in her humility.  She understood the harsh reality of what her condition would bring her and yet she said yes and glorified the Lord.  I have never thought to say thank you but this year I must.  Thank you Mary for being a willing vessel.  Thank you Lord for sending your Son to be born of a simple woman.  Teach me to trust like that.

"My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me-
holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as he promised our ancestors."

I Will.....Do What is Right

A few days ago, I went to Target.  After unloading the kiddos, pushing the cart through the crazy aisles, navigating the checkout line and wrestling the bags and kiddos back into the car, I looked into the cart to discover a small ball (stocking stuffer) and a some ribbon that had managed to make it out of the store unpaid for.  Oh dear.

I grabbed them and hopped into the car to find Evie screaming.  I had somewhere to be so I put the items on the passenger seat and pulled out. In the time it took me to get myself back out on the main road I had debated on whether or not I REALLY needed to return them.  They were such small items, and I spend SO much at Target and the thought of the work it would take merely to go there again and return them seemed exhausting.  Gosh it really wouldn't matter, would it?  Then I had this complete spiritual attack of conscience and realized that if I gave Lily that ball, every time I looked at it I would know.  My integrity would have a chink and how could I teach my little ones about honesty when I had given up mine so easily?  No I would return them, as soon as I could.

How grateful I am to have had that happen to me.  My own personal moment to do what was right.  I talked to Lily about it and she watched as I humbled myself, inconvenienced myself and returned the small items.  I'm grateful because 3 days later my young Lily would find herself faced with her own opportunity......

The concept is simple to a toddler.  Mom puts what she wants in the cart and it comes home.  Well, the other day we walked to the TJ Max right by our house.  I had the stroller with Evie and Lily walked along beside me.  Upon returning home I discovered that Lily had hidden a container of brightly colored cookie decorating sugar.  I pulled it out and asked her about it. "Mommy, I just wanted it."  It made sense to her, but she failed to connect that it wasn't hers to have.  We had a long conversation and I told her that just like Mommy had to return the ball and ribbon, she needed to take back the sugar crystals.  She was hesitant at first.  The reality of her choice evident on her little face.  Doing what is right is sometimes so hard.

I walked her back over, she gave the sugar crystals back to one of the workers and quietly said she was sorry.  On our way back home I couldn't praise her enough for making the right decision and doing it with a happy heart.

Thank You Lord for reminding me that no matter whether you are an adult or child the choice can still be hard.  Its easy to do what is wrong for the sake of convenience or selfishness, but takes courage to do what is right even in the little simple things.

No matter what happens in life we will be a family that does what is right.

Motherhood is Messy

I love to talk to mothers.  This past week I had a long conversation with on of those special women and out of it came this blog.  This mother on the other side of the telephone told me very candidly towards the end of our talk, "Bethany, I just feel like I am failing as a mother."  Yeah, I've been there.

It got me thinking, Why?  Why is it that we as mothers, doing the most important job on earth, inevitably feel like we are drastically failing?  I pondered the answer all week and came to this conclusion.

Because Motherhood is messy.

Its dirty, gritty, exhausting, ever changing and frustrating.  Sure, its beautiful, amazing and life giving too, but when you are in the trenches, down in the poop, the vomit, the tears, the screams, the No's and the up all nights, there is nothing pretty about it.  Let's face it, its just messy.

Motherhood can be summed up in Charles Dickens lesser known work, "The Great Unmet Expectation."  Its true.  One of the biggest factors to why we feel like failures is that we have set expectations that 99.9% of the time go unmet.

Think about this:  you plan a trip, a vacation, a BREAK.  You dream of sleeping in and letting somebody else help with the babies and what happens? You or your children get sick.  Its nearly guaranteed.  Not only did your dream vacay get messed up, but any mother knows when your kid is sick nobody sleeps.  Bummer.

Or how about this scenario:  You plan a day of errands.  You've talked it up and army planned it out.  You've got juice, snacks, toys, diapers, extra clothes and some sort of bribery.  You get delayed when your toddler needs the potty.  You leave 15 minutes behind and upon reaching your first of 5 stops discover you forgot your list.  As you decide to wing it instead of backtrack, your infant screams those starving cries.  So you huddle in the car and nurse trying to mentally remember what was on that list.  You muddle through your first stop and make it to your second.  At this point you have lost an hour and your army schedule is quickly unraveling.  At the second stop your toddler pees in her pants because "she wanted to" and then grabs the one toy you were hoping she wouldn't see and begs you for it.  You tell her no and discover quickly what its like to be the entertainment of an entire store.  Upon witnessing your flailing screaming offspring on the floor you realize those 3 other errands are not getting done.  Muscling your infant in the carseat with one arm and an immature frustrated toddler in the other, you exit the store and go as fast as possible back home.  Its safe there.  You put your children to bed and sit down on the couch only to see your forgotten list on the floor.  You forgot 1/2 your items at stop number one and more than 1/2 of your errands went unfinished (I suppose we don't REALLY need toilet paper?).  You're exhausted and contemplating taking up hermit living.....

Or how about the days you remember that other person in the house, your husband and the fact that you have not been intimate with him in who knows how long?  You know he desperately needs you and admit that down (sometimes deep deep down),  you need him to, but everything in you revolts at the thought.  Not because you don't love him, but because your body has been sucked on, pulled on, jumped on, peed on and pooped on and all you want is to have your body be yours.  Not to mention desperately wanting to catch a few hours of sleep before a child screams for you.  How about the days you realize that your husband is just another "to do" (no pun intended) on your list, or the guilt you feel upon realizing that the man you once gave all of your body to only gets whats left....if he's lucky.

Welcome to the moment you feel like a failure.  Talk about unmet expectations.  Motherhood lives in this space.  It dwells in the reality of all you wanted to do but couldn't.  How do you let go?  How do you feel confident when nothing worked like you expected it to?

I don't know, but here is what I am learning.  Embrace the imperfect, expect the unexpected, plan to change plans.  Recognize that you are going to be late, and you are going to forget something.  Someone is going to judge your parenting style, some doctor will make you think twice about your choices.  You'll burn dinner, forget dinner, buy the wrong juice, buy the right juice and forget it somewhere.  You'll forget to wash laundry or shrink your favorite sweater when you try to finish one chore with a baby on the hip and a toddler screaming at you.   You're gonna mess up.  Your child will scream at you despite all your efforts, they will poop on your neighbor, embarrass you in a crowd, say something you didn't teach them and be disobedient at the worst times.  You will be inconvenienced.....often.  You will be dumbfounded at their naughtiness one minute and proud of their compassion the next.  What else can I say?  Motherhood is confusing and messy.

You are going to have days when all you want to do is pack your bags and leave and days when you will say out loud, "Why, WHY did I ever have children?"  But those days don't make you a failure, they make you real.  THEY MAKE  YOU A MOTHER!

Someone told me once that motherhood fully reveals how much we need a Savior.  I can say with complete confidence how true that little statement is.  Instead of grading our success on some perfect version of what should have happened or how our children should have behaved we need to embrace the imperfect, the real, the mess and reach for the Savior.

I'm glad motherhood is messy and imperfect, because I am both.  I am even more grateful that in spite of this the Lord still called me to the task.  He is perfectly sufficient for all of my imperfect.

When you are in the trenches and feel the spirit of failure hovering over you, remember who you are, admit you are imperfect, let go of your expectations, embrace the chaos and find your peace in the mess.

You haven't failed.

You are not a failure.

6 Months!

I just sit here in awe that I am already writing this post.  I simply am dumbfounded with how fast Evie's first year is literally racing past me.  Where does the time go?  It is so true that the days crawl by but the years fly.  In 6 more months my little baby will be 1.  Goodness.

The past month has been great and challenging.  Evie got her first two teeth this past month!  They are so cute and I just love them.  When she smiles and laughs I just love to see those two little bottom teeth buds poking through.  She got them relatively early all things considered and unfortunately the great teething journey has begun in earnest. Her sleep has gone terribly south and I tend to dread the night times these days.

Evie loves to talk and giggle, especially with her sister.  Lily is absolutely the most entertaining and funny person in the bunch.  I think it is a great source of pride for Lily because Evie just lights up whenever she comes into the room.  There will be days when Evie will cry the moment Lily leaves the room.  It makes my heart smile.  How precious to have the bonds of sisterhood already.  I cannot wait to see it transform!

Evie is taking her time on the moving front.  A month ago I was convinced that I would have a non stop roller on my hands by now, but such is not the case.  She has all the ability to roll both directions, but is just not in a hurry to do it consistently.  Its funny because she wants to move so badly.  She spends most of her days kicking, jumping and frantically moving her bottom half.  I keep telling her, "start rolling babe and you can get places!"

She just discovered her toes today!  I came into the living room to find her on her back in "happy baby" pose.  Its too bad that it is so cold that I can't leave her feet uncovered so that she can play with her toes.

One of the things that I just love about this little girl is her absolute confidence with anyone that will hold her.  She is so social and loves people.  Complete strangers have held her for me and she is content to smile at them (given she can see me!).  The other day we had a bunch of people over and I attempted to put her down to nap.  She was not happy about it, but the second everyone left she conked out completely.  Little social butterfly.  This past weekend Evie got to spend some quality playtime with her cousin Elly.  Such cuties.

We have just recently started rice cereal.  She loves it!

I put off starting her on it because I am just not ready to begin the "weaning" process.  Its such a bittersweet thing.  I want her to grow and learn to eat her fruits and veggies, but I have loved the nursing relationship that we have.  Since starting her on food, I have this new reality, that everyday I am closer to that last day of breastfeeding.  She is taking to food like a champ and I think I am going to have to really work hard to keep the breastfeeding up to the year mark.  Boo.....

Evie is a content little lady and willingly goes anywhere.  She still loves to sleep in the jogger and is only too happy to get bundled up in 4 layers when her crazy mother goes running in 15 degree weather.

 

Dear Little Evie Bee, this month has been kind of a hard month for me.  You have grown and changed so much and I see the tiny little baby you were slipping away.  Its a good thing, but you are just growing so fast. You are beautiful little girl and joyful.  I pray that life would never steal those things from you.  Every month has made me love you more little girl and I want you to know how important you are to me.  I wish I could squeeze you hard enough to show you how much I love you.  You are a light in my life.

I love you little one, Happy half year!