Made For More

I have made it so clear here on this forum that I want to have an epic life.  No wait.....I want to have a life that all adds up to an epic story.  I want to live well, experience constantly, love deeply, accept peacefully, move forward boldy.  I want a story that is full of highs and lows,  good and bads, joys and sorrows, incredible wins and harsh losses.  And I want to do it all, and to do it all well.

My cast came off last Monday and not only am I not healed, but I am worse off than I was a month ago.  As my leg and foot muscles have all atrophied and in the words of my dear nursing friend, I am officially "de-compensated." My injury is exposed, painful,  and not better.  Upon the removal of the cast, even the Dr.'s eyes grew wide when he saw my sweet foot. "Wow, I really would have thought that complete immobilization would have provided some improvement, but it is no better." No, it is no better and I find myself inside of a great unsolved mystery.

I allowed myself to go into a cast without an MRI and do not plan to make that choice again. NO Doctor, I will not go into ANOTHER cast for 6 weeks without an MRI. Frankly, I am tired of guessing, and I will not do anything further until all of the tests that I can get are done.  We need all the information possible before we talk or do anything further. So this past Thursday I was finally able to have a successful MRI. 

I got there bright and early and felt an enormous victory with every click and buzz of that machine. My 30 minutes in the test was a time of prayer, gratitude, and hope.  After 4 months, I am finally getting the test that I really need.  The waiting still continues though as I navigate through the health care maze of checkpoints, office bureaucracy, office hours, holidays, and weekends.......my current IRONMAN.....learning to wait.

So where are we?

If I go with what the current Orthopedic doctor is suggesting.......its a toe fusion, toe replacement, or a cortisone injection.  AGAIN, we still have no idea WHAT is going on.......but those are the current "solutions" being offered. None of these (except maybe the cortisone) are acceptable options for me so its time to find another opinion. The damage is most definitely soft tissue, and it is absolutely going to take a LONG time to heal, but I simply do not believe that fusing my toe joint is the solution.  Not right now.

I have A LOT options to exhaust before we even begin to explore surgery as the only option.
I just need to know WHAT THE DANG PROBLEM IS!

So I wait......wait for the test results and then I start researching every Chiro, massage, fascia release, healing energy, essential oil, meditation, acupuncture. and natural healing specialist I know.  I start advocating for myself and out thinking the problem. If you, or your grandma, or your neighbor's cousin's best friend has an idea....I am all ears.  I have been made in the image of the Divine and this body was made to work, and heal, and be well.

But really Bethany, how are YOU?

I am good, I am at peace, I am expectant.  I am humbled and blessed by the richness of life that has flowed from  all of my own "loss."  I have been made for more.  I have been made for an epic life.  I have been made for a life lived confidently.  I have been made to be a light to others and to have joy and hope.  I have been made to change what I can, and accept the things I cannot.  I have been made for great BIG things, and I AM OKAY in this place.