Understanding My Shame

I am so grateful for MOPS.  There are so many reasons and I could go on and on, but somehow,  no matter where I am in life, the discussions, speakers and subjects are so very relevant especially to my parenting life.

Lately, parenting has been a challenge, especially with our precocious and mighty Lily.  She is so strong, so willed, so different than me.  I really was a fairly compliant child and while I may be a stubborn woman now, I wasn't as a kid.  Lily is quite the opposite of that and while I see so much strength and leadership in her, the mix of mighty women has led to many a power struggle in our house.  You see, my own parenting philosophy can be really summed up in one phrase, "I'm the Mommy and I say so."  For the past 4 years, Bob and I have really parented her, and now Evie through this.  I'll admit, it really has boiled down to a control issue and until lately, I haven't even stopped to consider the ramifications this parenting style might have on my strong willed, yes-I-will-fight-no-I-don't-agree with you kid.  Lily has her own way of thinking.  Its not always wrong, or right, but its absolutely at many times DIFFERENT than mine.

We have had so many days of complete clashing in my home and I have gone to bed in tears wondering how I am ever going to have a long standing relationship with my Lily Lu when all we do is argue over EVERYTHING.  I want to parent her better, she is so strong and so special, but how?

In comes MOPS with a discussion over shame and the role it plays in our parenting.  As in a marriage, when things aren't going well in a relationship, start looking inward.  Our speakers posed a question to us, "What do we NOT want to be perceived as by others?"  For whatever that is causes shame in our own lives.  That shame, in turn, comes out in our marriages and especially in our parenting (side note:  Amazing how children truly reveal our own personal issues, anyways...).  I thought for a while and then wrote down "out of control."  In my adult life I have wanted to be perceived as someone who has it together.  Whether its my physical appearance, my home, my financial well being, my relationships or my social interactions, I want to be in control.

This has spilled into my parenting with Lily and instead of parenting her by setting boundaries and allowing her to really be in charge of her own self, I have held to the Mom know best in all things philosophy.  I need to let go.  Not of everything, but of many things. Its time for me to learn a new way of thinking and take on a new philosophy of mothering.

I need to let go of being angry that she doesn't see it my way and embrace that God gave me a little girl with wings who really, REALLY wants to fly.

I love that I know a Jesus who uses the simplest and safest places like MOPS to open my heart and expose its rough edges.  I love that I have been given a chance to learn something new and embrace something better than control.

Most of all, though, I love that the Lord gave me my strong willed, smart, loving and sassy Lily Lu.

Be Careful Guys.....

Siblings are truly a magnificent thing.  One minute they are best of friends and the next, the worst of enemies.  It really is a "special" thing.  Although I had sibling "like" experiences with my cousins, NOTHING, could have prepared me for the depth of emotions having a sister evokes. Lately, there are times with my girls where I feel entirely out of my element.  I find myself having to lean on the wisdom of my husband.  "Is that REALLY normal behavior Bob?  Really? Or are we destined to have not 1 but 2 James Bond villains in our house?"

A while ago I wrote a post titled "Diddy Happened."  9 times out of 10 Lily is the instigator and because she is bigger, the punisher.  Poor Evie doesn't stand a chance, until lately.  Evie has discovered biting in all its glory.  In fact, Evie nearly bit a chunk of skin off of Lily's back the other day when Lily pushed her to get on top of me.  Its happened many times.  I find myself wanting to jump in victory that Evie can now defend her self, and find myself having to wrestle with discipline for all infractions.  

Bob and I laughed out loud the other day at the park.  Evie was doing her independent thing and Lily had befriended 2 sisters playing in the park.  They were walking around, telling secrets and becoming bossom buddies.  They had all sat down to have a "proper chat" in the little park hut when Evie meandered over to the group.  Lily has always been good at including and standing up for her sister in public situations, so when she jumped off of her seat, grabbed Evie's hand and said, "This is my sister, be careful guys!"  I really thought I was going to see one of those rare moments of protection for which I find myself brimming with joy.  Instead, she heroically put herself between Evie and her friends and followed her warning with, "She Bites!"  They all ran off after that announcement and Evie was once again on her own.  She never minds.  Playing in a carefree world with no torment is kind of nice.  

I laughed and then thought, good! Maybe even just the threat of biting will offer a bit of protection.  Evie won't be trifled with.......she bites!

Dopey Challenge 2015: Day 4- I Just Might Be Dopey!

Day 4!  The Marathon, the Big Kahuna, then End in sight.  I seriously was so excited the morning of the marathon I was up at 3:45 raring to go.  I was really excited too because my brother Mike and his lovely wife Kathy were gearing up for their first ever marathon.  Such a big morning.

It just so happened that my dear girlfriend Grace Jessup's cousin Melissa was running the Dopey Challenge too.  It took us all 4 days to get it coordinated, but we managed to meet and have a few moments to chat before the 26.2 started.  Even though it was short, it was great to connect.  When I hugged Melissa I felt like I was hugging my sweet Texas friend.  Miss you Grace!

I didn't have a time goal for the 26.2, but absolutely intended to run my own race and fueled right for it.  I have learned so much about fueling and have made some dramatic changes in my routine.  The biggest has been adding Advocare into my pre and post race routine.  Amazing.  After running 3 days in a row I was fired up and felt strong.  Nothing was going to hold me back.

Unfortunately, Mike and Kathy were in a different corral than me, and Bob, of course, was in with the elites, so I headed on my journey lone wolf style.  I was ready.  Bob took off and enjoyed capturing as many of the character shots as he could given there was no line.  Throughout the race he met Mary Poppins and Bert....

Minnie and Daisy....

The Incredibles......

and Cinderella's Fairy Godmother.  Seriously, how fun.

I didn't stop for many pictures, but I just LOVE the Cinderella Castle and couldn't help but capture the moment.  I just felt so great!

The race was one in a million for me.  I never hit the wall, I never faded, I never slowed my pace.  At mile 17 in fact I passed the 4:15 pacers and literally blew past them.  I left them in the dust and never saw them again.  At the 25 mile mark, I definitely had to talk myself to the end.  My body was telling me it was time to stop, but I gave more and came in 20 minutes faster than any previous marathon.  I shaved nearly a minute per mile off of my best time purely by fueling correctly and adding in Advocare. Yes, I love to run and trained really well, but seriously, nutrition is key!

It was so much fun to come across that finish line having done so well and finished so strong.  I was so happy to be done running, but had so much left in my tank.  I cannot begin to tell you how much fun it was to get all of our medals.  What an accomplishment!

Bob and I finished well before Kathy and Mike so we went home, showered, got their kids and headed back to the finish line to cheer them across.  I was so proud to see them come around the corner and make it to the finish line.  A first marathon is a big thing!

After 4 days and 48.6 miles, our shirt and medal collection was complete.

We did it and YES we shamelessly took a "Michel Phelps" photo.  We earned that hardware and love every piece of it!

                         

The day following the Dopey Challenge, we decided to spend in Magic Kingdom.  It was perfect in the morning and we enjoyed everything that we could.  

Lily met her idol Elsa and chatted up Anna too.  How cute does she look?

We enjoyed all of the kiddy rides before the rain came in and literally started to pour down in sheets.

We ran our way through and out of the park, got home and enjoyed out last night in Orlando.  We were all tired from our running and saturated from our unplanned "shower."

The whole trip was a huge success.  We accomplished much and enjoyed running in the "happiest place on earth!"

Dopey Challenge 2015: Day 3

Day 3, the half marathon day, was probably my favorite.  Mostly because I got to run with Gramma Jill, Grampa Steve and Aunt Sue.  Bob and I were in the same corral for the 5k and 10k, but in different corrals for the bigger races. In fact, Bob managed to get himself into the corral with the Elite runners.  First out of the shoot!

My closet nerdy husband was absolutely on top of the world to because he got to witness firsthand the Space X rocket launch.  See that tiny dot next to the big lamp light in the sky?  Thats the rocket.  He was so excited and it was fun to watch him geek out right in the middle of the starting line chaos.

Disney goes all out at the starting line with fireworks for every corral.  It's big and so exciting.  It made waiting to start actually really fun.  The music was blaring and the works lit up the sky.

The four of us started well after Bob and just had a blast talking and enjoying the run.  At mile 6 we made it to the Magic Kingdom and pulled over for a quick selfie in front of Cinderella's Castle.  It is SO  MUCH FUN to enter and run right down Mainstreet.  The castle was still covered in its winter "light frost" for Christmas.  Elsa, Anna and Kristoff were even up on the balcony.  Elsa of course was making REAL snow because.....well.....its Disney.

There are characters and character sets all throughout the races so that people can stop and take pictures.  Unfortunately, when you are in the later corrals there is literally a line of people sometimes 30+ thick to take pictures.  So needless to say, the 4 of us didn't stop for any, but Bob was at the front of the pack so he took a few chances to get some great character photos.

The run was perfectly lovely and perfectly chill.  I had so much left to give by the time we came under and around the ball to the finish line.  Sue, Jill and I all held hands together with Steve right on our heels.  I really, REALLY enjoyed our half marathon day.

After the race, Bob and I even got to meet Dopey!  How cute is he?

All of us got our medals, magic snack box and water then headed back home for a day of relaxation and fun.    We finally finished a race AFTER the sun came up!  I really felt awesome and was so ready for the Marathon the next day.

Lily got a real treat when Gramma Jill and Grampa Steve took her to the Magic Kingdom for the afternoon.  They spent nearly all of their time meeting princesses, but Lily loved it.  She got home only too quick to tell us that we had to ride "Ariel's Ride" and "It's a Small World."

Our afternoon was LAZY which is just how we wanted it.  My brother Mike and his wife Kathy were getting ready for their first Marathon and Bob and I were resting up for ours.  I don't care how many I do I still get jittery the day before the Marathon.  26.2 here we come!

Dopey Challenge 2015: Day 2

We were up an out of the condo again bright and early Friday morning for another day of running.  It was wonderful to walk out the door and feel cold but not freezing.  The wind had died down and I could survive with only my sleeves and capris.

The 10k was so much fun because not only did we get to run around the worlds of Epcot again, (and get another awesome view of that Epcot ball), but we also got to run around the boardwalk connected to Epcot.  

This shot was taken while running on the boardwalk.  Thank goodness for Bob's long arms and my willingness to risk getting trampled for a memory.

We ran under and around that ball and once again crossed our finish line.  It was so much fun to run with Bob and we really did have a great time chatting and taking in the early morning hours at Disney.  It really is a cool place when it is quiet and not crowded with people.  I am so glad that Bob and I kept our pace chill and didn't try to set any records.  We really were smart and set ourselves up for success on the bigger races.

We arrived back home again right as everyone was waking up and then decided to head to Tampa Bay for the afternoon.  I had promised Lily that we would get to the ocean and the beach so Tampa Bay was perfect.  Grandma Jill and Aunt Sue had a friend in Tampa so we all converged on this awesome little Spanish Restaurant, The Colombia, ate lunch and then headed to the white sandy beaches.

It was absolutely not swimming weather, but neither of my children cared a bit.  Lily went in the water fully clothed several times and Evie was content to watch and squeal.  Gramma Jill and Lily combed the beaches and filled a box with shells while all of us relaxed and watched the girls have a ball.

It was a wonderfully relaxing day and we got home with time to spare.  13.1 in the morning!