It's What I Could Do

This past week has been a hard one.  Saying goodbye to Curtis and dealing with the gaping hole in our family was at times overwhelming.  With everything happening in Missouri, it was so hard to be here in Colorado.  Wanting so desperately to be able to be a comfort to Chelsea and the family, but having too many responsibilities here.

On Thursday Bob and I felt the need to do something, anything to feel that we were somehow participating.  In these times it seems that the only thing we can do is pray.  Prayer is powerful, yes, but the need to DO something really weighed heavy on the two of us.  At this point in life the thing we do best is run.  Since having Evie I have become quite the runner.  What can I say, its my bliss.  Running is the thing I do when literally everything else in life is chaotic.  Running is simply my happy place.

When we found out that the funeral for Curtis would be held on Saturday, I could think of nothing better than to run and pray.  So Bob and I decided to run a prayer half marathon.  In order to keep the girls happy we took turns running.  I started in the morning bright and early.  It was truly a powerful thing to begin the morning in prayer.  It was cool and the perfect running conditions.

The experience of praying continually and purposefully was the most powerful thing I have ever done. Each mile brought a new person to pray for a new mission of prayer. Communing with the Lord was empowering and healing.  The miles were the easy part.  When I was done with the 13 I could have continued on.  I just didn't want to stop praying.   I felt that I was with Chelsea, with the family, the whole time.  It was something I won't soon forget.

Everything in me wanted to be there in the flesh, but that isn't what the Lord wanted for me.  He wanted me here in prayer.  So I ran and prayed......its what I could do.

I have had a hard time getting back into catching everyone up on life here at the Longmires because in the face of such loss so much of our life happenings seem trite.  I am now in a place, however, that I am ready to continue on.  We will miss Curtis, we will think of him often, and I'm sure I will shed many more tears but I know that the best way to honor him is to keep moving forward. So I will not stay in sadness, but cling to the promises of the Lord.

"Though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning." 

My Heart Hurts

Today my heart hurts.  Tragedy has once again struck my family and I feel so much pain and so much sorrow.  Too much.

Curtis Powelson was an incredible man, an incredible father and husband, an incredible Marine.  He was a man determined to serve and he did.  He was my cousin, married to my first cousin Chelsea.

On Monday night a sinkhole claimed his life in a shocking and unbelievable chain of events.  I simply can't believe it.  My heart hurts so much.  I know it happens, but why did it happen to us, to Chelsea, to their little boy Michael?  Where is the justice?  Where is the mercy?

Curtis was a selfless man.  I will never forget when he and Chelsea came to visit Lily when she was just born.  His rock solid arms held her so carefully.  I have never felt she was safer.  When she was tucked away in his arm, I knew he would move heaven and earth to keep her safe.  I will never forget.  The man was special.  Curtis was a Marine at heart.  Committed to his country and his family.  Why him?  A question that has been bathed in my tears.

January we lost my sweet Grandma, February my cousin lost a precious new baby, in August we lost Bob's Grandpa, a special man indeed and now this.   My tears continue to flow.  Life is so hard lately, we have lost so much.  I long for the "season of plenty" I long for the "season of joy."  Oh my heart..........it hurts.  I know we have good things, but the sad, heart breaking losses just seem to shroud them.

Lily has completely digressed in her potty training and is back in diapers.  I am so frustrated and discouraged.  Everything is hard with her, everything.  I have forgotten how to be graceful with her.  I am short and unhappy so much of my hours with her.  Life is wearing me down.  Trying to parent while dealing with my own grief is so hard.

Evie is not sleeping well at all lately.  I don't know what it is, but she just won't sleep soundly.  I have been up no less than 4 times a night for the past 3 nights and during the days she rarely sleeps for more than 45 min at a stretch.  I just can't find a break, a moment to grieve.

I can't be with my sweet Chelsea and her family right now and it hurts.  I feel the weight of my responsibilities right now and all I want is to rush to her side to hold her while this storm rages.  But I can't......and it hurts.

After last month, I have been seeking for peace, for joy, for hope.  I've been finding it.  After yesterday, I feel that my spirit must start again.

Lord, carry me, carry my family.  Its so dark right now.

My heart hurts.

Sunday Best

Oh Lord, You are good and Your mercies endure forever!  Today I can do nothing but rejoice. You have given me life, given me breath, given me my Little Bear and Little Bee.  You have given me a partner to walk with.  You have given me hope.

Thank you for loving me and blessing me. Thank you for holding me when the weight of my blessings seems overwhelming.  I Praise You.

Thank you for my church and for the friends you are providing, thank you for MOPS.  My heart is full tonight with Your presence on my street.  You are here and I rejoice.

Spirit

So if you have spent even a brief few moments in the presence of my oldest daughter, you have no doubt been regaled with stories about Spirit.

Lily was introduced to this movie about a renegade mustang up at Memaw's house (you couldn't have guessed that right?).  Lily LOVES this movie.  She talks about it all the time.  She can practically give you a play by play.

It really is a super cute film about a free spirited, run with the eagles horse that fights to keep his freedom from the soldiers that want to break him, tame him, and make him work.  (OOOO I guess I should mention.....SPOILER ALERT).

He meets a sweet indian boy and his female horse Rain (you knew there had to be a love story).  The Indian and Rain free him from the Army soldiers and try to show Spirit that being in captivity doesn't mean you have to be a captive.  Spirit doesn't buy it, he wants to be free to "fly with the eagles."  The poor Indian works hard to teach him to be rideable, but discovers soon that Spirit won't ever be ridden.  So he sets Spirit free.

In a twist of fate though, Spirit gets captured again by the Army and taken to haul a train (Poor horse cannot catch a break).  Once Spirit realizes that the train he is hauling is headed towards his home, he makes a dramatic break while causing a train wreck leading to a forest fire that literally chases him down.  Inevitably his chain gets caught and who but the Indian shows up to free him.  They jump from the cliff and end up on the bank thus sealing their new friendship.  Heartwarming.

But that isn't the end.....

The army shows up again to capture him so Spirit and the Indian have to run.  Deciding that the Indian isn't bad, Spirit lets him ride him all the while defeating the pursuing soldiers. (Stay with me......I do have a point).  Spirit and the Indian ride up this trail that leads to a no way out plateau.  They are stuck.  The only way down is for Spirit to jump a chasm over the canyon and land on the other side.

So the Indian grabs a hold and Spirit starts to run.  Then, there is this intensely emotional moment.  Spirit leaps and "flys" over the canyon while the Indian spreads his arms and hollers.

It is incredibly moving and I cry every time.  The movie finishes with this precious moment between Spirit and the Indian, they hug each other and then the Indian lets Rain go with Spirit and they run off, truly free.

It's a kids cartoon, it shouldn't stir my emotions so much, but it does.  Perhaps its because it has taught me a few lessons.

1. Learning to trust someone can be the scariest thing.  You can trust and be captured and broken, or you can trust and be uplifted and freed.  You can never guarantee either, so never give up on opening yourself up to people.

2.  If you want something.....fight for it.  Every day, every hour.  Whether its your marriage, your faith, your family, your children or your sanity.  This world will always try to imprison you, fight to stay free.

3.  Freedom is a gift.  Don't take it for granted.

4.  When you are at the end of your rope, run and jump.  Sure, you may take a hard fall, but chances are you will find your wings and land on the other side.

5.  Any movie that is narrated by Matt Damon and has an entire musical score of Bryan Adams songs is bound to make a blubbering idiot out of anyone.

The Little Bee is 3 Months

As 9/11 approached I realized that this year I was going to remember the day for a wonderful reason.  Evie is 3 months!  A Quarter of her first year is already done and I am simply amazed with her little life.

She is now at that precious stage where she is just starting to show her little personality.  Between her smiles and her attempts at giggling, I am starting to see a little Evie Frances emerging.

Evie is becoming a FANTASTIC sleeper.  It just isn't an issue with her and it makes this crazy life a little more manageable.  We have a great system where we put Lily to bed and then Bob, Evie and I hang downstairs.  Evie nurses and goes to sleep around 8.  The best part is that once she is down.......she is down.  While she usually wakes up 2 times during the night, she always nurses and then goes right back to sleep.  It's amazing.  And then there are those nights like a few nights ago where she slept for 11.5 hours.  I made her sleep nurse at about 4:30 purely because I couldn't sleep.  Amazing!

Evie occasionally has really hard days where she and I just don't see eye to eye.  On those days, she spends most of her awake time screaming.  There is no nursing, swaddling or cuddling that will help.  It is hard, frustrating and completely demoralizing.  She is strong just like her sister and there have been times where all I can do is put her down and let her scream.  Live to fight another day.

Lily has really stepped into her big sister roll and Evie is happy to let her help with bath time and give her snuggles.  I love watching Evie around Lily because she is just mesmerized with everything the busy toddler is doing.  Evie loves her big sister, no doubt!

She LOVES being outside.  There is something about the breeze, brightness and colors that gets her all excited.  She is content in the jogger or in her little seat under the shade of the umbrella and many times when she is fussy, we just take a little backyard stroll.

One of the best things right now is that Evie sings with me.  I will sing her "Twinkle, Twinkle" or "Jesus Loves Me" and if she is in the right mood she will coo, caa, fluctuate her little voice and squeal as I sing to her.  It is the BEST.  Considering the fact that Lily tells me to "Stop singing, Mommy," whenever I sing to her, I love having a little one who sings with me.

My Little Evie Bee,  how I love you.  You make me happy, you make me smile and you give me joy.  I thank the Lord every day that He has allowed me to be your Mommy.  There is simply no greater joy than loving you and your sister.  I pray that as you grow you will know how special you are, and how amazing your life is.  Happy 3 months little one.  Can't wait to watch you grow!

Love Mom

Embracing the Story

Goodness, its already September 5th and I have yet to blog again.  Where does the time go? Although I hate to wish my life away, I am certainly glad that August came and went.  It was a truly rough month for me.  Struggling with the "weeds" of my life was proving to be a battle I was having to focus on constantly.  Going back and reading some of my blogs, they just sound melancholy.  I'm glad I wrote them, but I am also glad that the Lord seems to be meeting me on the other side of that valley.  I joined an awesome MOPS group this year and our theme is all about Embracing our Story.  No matter what chapter we are in.  How fitting given my past few weeks.

Evie is simply to precious for words.  I love this little girl so very much.  She is getting BIG.  Her little cheeks are filling out and she has the cutest little tummy.  There is nothing more satisfying than squishing the baby rolls on your baby, just sayin.'

She is cooing and talking up a storm these days while smiling and starting to find her giggle and hands.  The other morning Bob and I woke up to her just talking to herself in her crib.  No fuss, no tears, just cooing and squealing.  I simply love to go and get her in the mornings because the second my face appears above her she gets this big happy smile on her face.  It just makes my morning bright.

Lily is still cute as a button even if her cuteness is laced with a streak of terror.

She is officially potty trained, YEAH LILY!  We are still working on getting the poop in the potty all the time, but if I was grading our progress I would definitely give us a B+.  I cannot even begin to tell you how stressful it is to have a tiny baby screaming and a toddler with poop in her pants running through the grocery store.  I found myself wanting to scream, "YES, the smelly kid is mine!  I know about the poop, I'm just trying to survive my grocery trip!"  I've learned the benefit of 1. not cleaning the underwear (I gladly budget extra underpants to not have to scrub poop) 2. not getting upset about it. At the beginning I got so upset especially when I would ask her why and she would say, "because I just wanted to!" and now we just talk about choices.  We either choose to go poopy in the potty, or we can choose to loose some of our toys.

Once I gave her the choice and quit being upset, things got a lot easier.  One day she lost 5 toys (yes, you read that right) and the next day she earned 2 of them back.  Yeah for parenting techniques that work!  I have been eternally grateful for Bob in all of this because his grace, compassion and love for both me and his daughters really knows no bounds.

I am learning to be thankful for this chapter in my story.  I'm also learning to find memories amidst the chaos.  One day I won't have poopy underwear, or baby throw up on my clean shirt.  I won't have a little girl asking for me to read one more story to her or a little baby nursing at my breast.  One day they will be big girls stretching their wings as they wander away from me and further to the edge of the nest.  One day they will leave and these moments that seem so challenging will be but little memories I alone will hold in my heart. Its easy to feel bogged down in the every day right now, but I am learning to find the memories each day.  I'm thankful that I am here and that the Lord gave me these two girls.

Evie and Lily, I love you, from the bottom of the deepest valley to the top of the highest mountain.  I love you to the stars and back.  I'm so glad that you are chapters in my story.  I'm so glad God gave us You!