This is Hard!

The third trimester has definitely come to stay! Here I am at 32 weeks and all belly. Thought I would share a swimsuit picture. We took this at 6AM before we headed to swim at the aquatics center so don't mind the slightly drugged look :)



Bob and I have just recently begun our childbirth and parenting classes. Our first class was CPR for adults, children and infants. It was great to be able to go together and get all of the information, however, I found myself terrified about the possibility of actually having to perform these breaths and compressions on my child. They say that knowledge is power, but I found it an eye opening experience and somewhat terrifying. Bob was great though and he kept a level head through it all, helping me deal with my own uncertainties. I have noticed that my hormones have gone on some sort of warpath wrecking my sanity and making me a little less than level headed. It isn't that I have totally lost my mind and cry all of the time it is just that I feel like I have or am going to! At the doctor the other day they told me I needed a flu shot. I nearly broke down in the office in tears because "what if it hurt my baby?" "will it hurt my baby?" "what if it is the wrong vaccine?" "what if I got sick from it.....I cannot do any more nausea and vomiting!" "what if, what if, what if......" Seriously, over a flu shot!!! (Don't worry, I was a big girl and got my shot:)



We also had our first childbirth/parenting class where they discussed the entire labor and delivery process as well as pain management and relaxation techniques. Call me crazy, but I have decided to do all I can to prepare and handle the pain so that I can do this delivery thing drug free. I want the whole experience of laboring. Now I say this today and who knows what I will actually say when the "time comes," but thats my goal!

Bob and I have yet to find a church out here to call home and I find myself lost in the expectations about discovering our spiritual home. Let me just say, I really struggle with church shopping! It brings to life this fact that we all believe in the same God and yet there are so many different ways to express it. I think that I have become more picky in my "older age" and realize that just like the older generation wanted to hold onto their hymns and traditional standards, I want to hold onto my "perfect contemporary church" model. I discovered that I have very little tolerance this morning when I almost wanted to walk out of a church because "it wasn't me." Now there was absolutely nothing "wrong" with this church, point in fact it was a beautiful building with outgoing people and sound teaching, but the vibe and style just wasn't me. When did I get so critical about my church experience? I hope that the heightened awareness is a side effect of the exploding hormones and not some inner critical soul that sees the negative before the positive. So frustrating!



Loneliness has also begun to creep into my life and I find myself missing friends and the familiarity of the West Coast. I know that part of the loneliness is directly linked to the fact that I am slowly getting less and less mobile. I find myself absolutely content to sit at home and sew, cook, clean or just "nest." Lily is getting so much bigger now and my expanding belly pulls on my back and has recently begun to keep my hips in a state of "burning pain." The worst part is that the hip pain is exacerbated when I go for a long walk. Awesome.......Now don't worry, I haven't stopped exercising, I just have to stay on short jaunts and swim. I really think that my melancholy is related to my lifestyle that is at present becoming more and more sedentary. I have started to have morning coffee once a week with a dear friend out here whose husband works with Bob. She is new in the area too so there is a lot of understanding. I guess I just miss the familiarity of Arizona, the friends, the family, the shopping, the job, the church and everything else that we spent 5 years establishing. It is truly hard to move across the country!


The pictures that I posted this week are of the beautiful Lake Johnson that has become Bob, Rocky and my exercise spot. I knew that my blogging was going to be a bit on the depressing side this week so I wanted to put some natural beauty in it. The Lord is faithful to remind me that I am blessed even amidst feelings of loneliness and uncertainty.