Im Ready...
Im Ready to talk about Ashley Hill. I wasn't ready last week or last month or the last 6 months. I think I'm ready now.
The grief process hits all of us differently. When Ashley died in January I simply couldn't put any words to paper. I felt so many things I had no idea how to take Ashley's life and what she meant to me and put it into one blog. It felt too trivial. It also felt too final. I needed to sit with the grief for a while, I needed to process. So I did.
As silly as it sounds, I also couldn't put my finger on a picture that was really important to me. I searched and searched with no success and found myself unable to process any of it until I found that picture. I have been searching for the past few months and found it just a couple of weeks ago.
It's this one below. That time when Ashley took me to the hole in the rock, we watched the sunset, listened to music, went to the botanical gardens, and she gave me a personal card that I still have. Out of all the experiences I had with her......this one meant the most to me. Ash was SO intentional.
I had no intention of ever being Ashley Hill's friend. Ashley was a dear friend of my own friend Rebekah. They had gone to church together for years and their men did game night together. They had the friendship. So when drinking coffee one morning with Rebekah she told me about her dear friend who was just diagnosed with Stage 4 terminal cancer I felt absolutely committed that my role was to support Rebekah. Having experienced the loss of a dear friend to Leukemia, I knew first hand the wide range of emotions supporting a friend through a blow like cancer.
But then the guys needed a 4th member for their game night, and Steve asked Bob. So he went, and immediately hit it off with all of the guys....especially Taylor. That night Bob came home......and cried. Losing Armando was hard. Stepping into another friendship that may go through that same loss? It was a hard moment. But we knew that investing in this family and becoming part of their circle was most definitely something we wanted to do so Bob invited them over for dinner.
I am at a point of the story now that just gets really good because when Ashley walked into my house she did not want to be my friend. Nothing personal... just when you are given her diagnosis, the last thing you want is more friends. More people to feel sad for you. You see Ashley wasn't about all that sadness and sorrow, so she walked into my house incredibly skeptical. She used to tell me all the time how much she didn't want to be my friend that night and how easily I found my way into her heart. That was Ashley.
I recognized really quickly that Ash was all about the living process and not the dying one. She wanted to do things, make memories, have experiences, and spend how ever much time she had actually talking about life.....not death. It was an easy friendship because, lets face it, the Longmire's are all about living hard and fast!! The first big thing we did together was go down the river and jump off rocks. This woman. I instantly loved her.
I knew and loved Ashley for 3 and 1/2 years. That's it. Wasn't long enough, never is I suppose but this woman radically changed and influenced the life I live. She made a difference and her life was a gift to this world. She was amazing.
Ashley and Rebekah brought me into this group of women and countless conversations of Jesus and life. Ashley and Taylor asked Bob and I to become Daniel's Godparents. So many blessings poured from Ashley's heart into my life and some days I still sit in amazement.
When life doesn't turn out like you wanted it to I think its so human to wonder what the point is. Ashley never did that. She knew what the point was and by golly, she lived powerfully through her cancer journey. I honestly have never come so authentically to the understanding of Jesus than I did through knowing Ashley. She gave me an entire new family that I still feel overwhelmed by.
Death is a hard part of life, but Ash didn't fear it. She was so at peace and remained unbelievably humble and beautiful through her final days. There are not enough ways to say how impactful her journey was on us.....on me.
Ashley, thank you for letting me into your life and for letting us become part of your family. The life you lived was tremendously beautiful, powerful, and inspirational. I will forever remember your zest for life, your spontaneity, your openness, and your confidence. You, my friend, will forever be imprinted on our lives. Ash, you once told me that you wanted to live a life that mattered, that was intentional, and that wouldn't be forgotten......
You did it.
Well done my friend.
