Love is a Choice

I love my husband.  If you don't know me or are just meeting me here I am going to start this post by telling you.  I am seriously all in, madly in love, all the feels into my husband. He is tall, dark, and undeniably handsome, has a 6 pack, is gorgeously fit (as in runs a sub 1:30 half marathon), and sports a few grays.  He is one of the most passionate, forgiving, and loyal men I have ever known.  He admits faults, doesn't fear emotions, never stops pursuing, and can legitimately show grace like a man after God's own heart.  He's incredible, irresistible, all out in love with me, and unwaveringly committed to me.

But he's not perfect.  Neither am I.

We have discovered this blaring inadequacy in the both of us over the past couple of years and through our life, battles, and desire to remain married, have learned a few things.  A few really important things.  You know, actually its just one REALLY BIG thing.

Love is a Choice.  You have to choose it.  AND its the hardest when you don't feel it.

Three years ago I had just finished IRONMAN.  Bob's unwavering support had not only gotten me to the finish line, but had been catalyst for believing I even could.  It was a high, so much success, so much unplanned potential!  My possibilities as an endurance athlete quadrupled in that moment.  Sky was the limit.....what could I achieve with this new found skill? In an instant I had all these new dreams all these new limits and yet my husband was done.  All done.  So, so, so done.

Done with the hours and hours of training, done with the rigidity of scheduling, done sharing me with something else, done having an exhausted wife, done with the striving, done with the constant "next thing," so done. You see the door of opportunity that had given me glory and joy turned out to be a soul crushing loneliness for him.  He absolutely was supportive, but when it was done, so was he.

 But I was just getting started. What about my dreams, what about all the things I could accomplish, and the medals I could have?  I'm good at this! I'm supposed to be doing this!

And we fought, and fought, and fought.

There was a moment where the chasm between us was great. What happens when your dreams diverge? What happens when you feel compelled, excited, and "lead" to go down a road that your spouse won't go? What happens when something that sets your soul on fire, literally crushes the other?  What happens in this moment?

You make a choice.

So there we were.  An impasse.....

Why was it so hard?  Why was the idea that this dream I had may not be the best thing for me or my family such an issue? Why was Bob not on board? Why was this happening?

I cannot tell you how many people I talked to during this time that told me things like "your dreams matter, and if he can't get on board, maybe he isn't the best for you," that "if he really loved you he would absolutely continue to support all of your athletic goals, you are amazing!"  And the wound that we had opened festered. Disappointment, disillusionment, and doubt began to take hold and I found myself actually thinking.....yeah, I SHOULD be able to do exactly what makes me happy, and this marriage thing isn't doing it.

I'm here to shatter some glass y'all.  Love and marriage DO NOT and WILL NOT always make you happy.   We are a selfish, self absorbed, and self promoting being. You will absolutely have to not do something you feel you should be able to do for the sake of your marriage. READ THAT AGAIN......Guaranteed you too will find yourself one day at a crossroads. One sign pointing to "what sets your soul on fire," and the other pointing to the one person who may or may not be willing to walk down the other road with you.  Love is a choice. And its a damn hard one.  If it isn't hard, you haven't had to make it yet.

Now if you have made it this far and are still with me, I am finally ready to get to the point of this blog.

Your life does not have one purpose.  Your life is not preset by a dream you are supposed to pursue, and you WILL have different dreams, passions, and desires that come and go. Your life is not defined by any of them. Your life is not supposed to be for you.  Read that again.....your life is not about you. Maybe best said in the words of a parent, "this world? DOES NOT revolve around you."

What makes your life is the choices you make, and the thousands of times you make a choice either for self or for others.

Could I be an incredible athlete, racing Kona, kicking ass and taking names?.....you bet.

Could I be a phenomenal business woman, running corporations?......yep

A phenomenal musician.....sure

A missionary...... uh huh

A theatrical phenom.....you betcha

A Doctor..........nope

I could have lived on Broadway, or abroad. I could have lived the single life.  I could have lived a thousand different ways on a thousand different days.  My life could have had fulfilling purpose and soul fire passions in a hundred other worlds all made possible by the great gift of my choice.

What saved my marriage?  I made a choice. And it wasn't about me.  I chose him. And it was hard. And making it felt equal parts right and equal parts awful.  But I made it and I kept waking up and making it until one day it got easier and I began to reap the rewards of committing to my marriage over self interest.

Now I wake up, and the choice is not hard, in fact, it has become what sets my soul on fire.

Him, me, us.....we are so good together, and our marriage and love is flourishing and growing.

And yet it is still not without sacrifice.  For both of us. This thing called oneness, this thing called love, is sacrificial and will always be.  Its surrendering, its turning the inner dial to 51% others and constantly being accountable to the reality that this world does not revolve around you.  Its about dreaming and goal setting together, with purpose, and oneness.  Its about not getting stuck on the I in team (yes I can spell).

And Bob and I are happy and whole.  We have so much joy and peace.  We are in love and can't figure out why we can't spend all day in each other's arms.  Its life giving and good.

I see why marriage is the training grounds for kingdom living.   Jesus came not to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.  He calls us into that kind of living, because that is where life lives.  Its hard and contrary to everything this world, social media, and the latest meme tells us, but sowing the seeds of selflessness will yield a harvest of joy that I can say is without doubt well worth the cost.