A Weight to Great

This past weekend we celebrated Easter.  More specifically we celebrated the world changing life, death and resurrection of Jesus.  Such a beautiful day, such a time to celebrate and yet I found myself huddled in a weeping mass in my husband's arms Sunday night.  Not how I had planned my Easter weekend to play out.

What happened you ask?  Well, a lot.  Probably more than I could ever convey in one blog post and frankly far more than you would ever want to know.  Sunday night I found myself buried under the weight of a million things I have carefully hidden and guarded.  Last night I quite literally could no longer bear my burdens and they came off at the foot of the cross, and in a river that poured out of my head onto my husband (ladies, you know you have a good one when even literally covered in your snot, he still thinks your hot).

I am a perfectionist, a little OCD, driven and stubborn.  It makes me great.  Its what honestly makes me good at a great many things.  Its what made me a phenomenal IRONMAN.  Perfectionism, however, is a very slippery slope and I found myself literally at the bottom of that slope buried under the weight of expectations.  So many expectations.

I am so many things.  I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a triathlete, a tri club officer, a runner, a swimmer, a biker, a photographer, a businesswoman, an accountant, a house keeper, a cook, a scheduler, a negotiator, a disciplinarian, a teacher, a lover, a doer, a planner........the list is overwhelming.

I want to be a perfectionist at all of these things, I want to fit it all in.  I want to be and do all well.  I want to be all for everyone.  I want to wake up with my family, be able to do everything for them, have a clean house, be able to train for races, drop off my kids at school, pick my kids up at school, volunteer when needed, have time with my husband, never forget to pay bills, have a handle on our finances, never overeat, always make healthy food choices, have an amazing body, have time for friends, follow through with every playdate, call people back, email people back, participate more in my church, participate more in the community.....again, the list is endless.  Why can't I do it all?  Why can't I meet my own expectations?  Why do I feel like a complete Jack of all trades and Master of absolutely nothing?

The weight of expectation is crushing.

I thought I was getting a good handle on the idea of balance in my life, but lately, I just feel the weight of everything I want to do, all the ways I want to do them and the overwhelming feeling that  I'm failing at all of them.  I am dealing with internal changes and am now seeing a doctor for a host of hormonal and gut related issues that are making me tired and feel yucky really all the time.  I am worried and frustrated and can't seem to want to slow down.  What if everything has to stop?  What if something is really wrong?  What if I can't do all I want to do?

The weight of my own expectations is crushing.

For the past several weeks I have found myself not showing my true feelings or fears to anyone.  Nobody has time for that.  I have kept a lot of my stuff locked inside and work tirelessly to keep it hidden.  Maybe hidden is to strong....handled.  I got this......I can handle my life......I am Bethany the IRONMAN......I got this.

But the weight.....its so heavy.

No.......keep going.  So I have.  Every week at the end of church the pastor points to all of these amazing prayer warriors and asks, "If anyone needs prayer or just a big hug, feel free to come up."  Every Sunday I say I am going to do it, and every Sunday I don't.  I can't cry in front of all these people.... I don't have time for this.......my girls are going to want their lemonade.  I don't need it.....I can handle my life.

But I can't, not really.  Never could point in fact and the undeniable weight of my burdens finally became too heavy and with one conversation I simply broke and could no longer hold it.  I had forgotten how healing and cathartic having a really, really, really good cry was.  When I finally let vulnerability take over the pressure of perfection.

The road to truly finding balance and peace about all of this is going to be long and I am realizing that it is most likely going to be a life pursuit with good days and bad.  I pray that I can solve the health issues that are exacerbating some of the issues and find internal healing for outward symptoms.

Ultimately I am so incredibly grateful for a Jesus who died on the cross specifically to carry my burdens.  I am grateful that at the end of the day, I, Bethany the IRONMAN, cannot do it all.  I can't.  I am not enough and never will be.

But Jesus is and He has no expectation except one.

Surrender.

So this past weekend, on Resurrection Day, I dropped it all.  I began the process of surrendering and of stopping the incessant expectation setting.  I am just me.  Saved by grace, loved unconditionally and wrapped in greatness.  That greatness doesn't come from anything I can do, but rather from a King who has called me by name and made me His own.