I Failed, But Jesus Still Lives

 Last Sunday was a very odd holiday for us.  I wont lie, I feel like I completely failed Easter this year.

I know, I know, I didn't.  Right now during quarantine there is very little we can fail at.  This whole thing is new, unsettled, and completely out of sorts. Nothing is normal, nothing is as it usually is.  BUT as we leave Easter I can't help feel like when the rubber met the road I failed.

Growing up I can remember the Easter holiday being a well celebrated event.  We always went and got a fancy new Easter dress and there were numerous events from Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and of course the sunrise services on Easter morning.  My family was involved in all of them and as I grew up both my mom and I sang in most of the services. There was so much to do around the holiday and so many ways that we remembered the incredible gift of the Savior's death.

I didn't get my girls an Easter dress this year, and I completely forgot about Palm Sunday.  There were no Hosannas, or triumphal entry celebrations.  On Good Friday we didn't talk about HIS death.  We watched Star Wars, and ate pizza.  On Sunday we went hiking and ate funfetti pancakes. I didn't make a fancy dinner, we didn't take a fancy family photo.

 I did none of it. 

But I didn't forget to talk about Jesus and we remembered the why. We made crafts and painted a mural on our garage wall.  The beauty of Jesus was evident in my girls.  In fact, on Good Friday, Lily turned to us and reminded us that Jesus died on that day, but that it was okay, because He rose 3 days later.  Lily definitely didn't fail.

So I suppose neither did I.   I was hit with the reality that there isn't a set list of things to do to properly celebrate Easter and that maybe this year we truly celebrated the resurrection because it was simple.  He is Risen! 

That's it.

He has defeated it all, death, COVID-19, sin.  None of the things that we want to matter, matter, because at the end of the day.....

HE DOES NOT FAIL.

Becalmed

Our ship, she dreams of wind in her sails, 
of wind in her sails unfurled.

And shining as we cross the sea, we cross the sea for home.
Then we'll all raise our voices, 
a song in our hearts.
And set our eyes on distant shores with wind in her sails again.
There'll be cheering and calling.
No more squabbling and brawling.
When we have our feet on the ground.
We'll sow our good fortune around.
There'll be feasting and pleasure.
No more rationing and measure.
When we have the wind in our sails.

Like most of you, Bob and I have discovered many new forms of entertainment during this time of quarantine.  How grateful we are for multiple streams of immediate entertainment!  We came across this fantastic pirate show on STARZ called Black Sails, and are LOVING it.  Its incredible, well written, dark, poignant, ballsy, and emotionally intelligent.  It's brilliant.  It is in NO way a kid or family show.  Its got very little boundaries on language, nudity, sex, violence, and intensity.  It may not be for everyone, but the story depth is oceans deep.

Little did I know that the other night one of the episodes was going to resonate so intimately.  Without giving away spoilers, one of the pirate crews, after weathering an intensely battering storm, awake from the torrent to find themselves adrift on a windless sea.

As the battered crew awakes to find themselves stranded, the Ships Master turns to the Captain with a pained expression.  

"We are becalmed."

Hundreds of years ago, ships relied solely on wind, and the expertise of navigators to always keep wind in the sails.  Without wind, you were becalmed.  And once the wind was lost, there was no way to tell when it would return, there was no technology to create it, there was nothing to do but remain adrift........ration........and hope for the winds to return. 

It was one of the most intensely feared situations for a sailor. There was nothing you could do accept just hold the space in your crew.

Man did this one hit home.

The winds of our life blow constantly.  All the going, all the planning, all the moving, and purpose, and direction, and doing.  The day in and day out grind. The traveling, dreaming, and goal setting.  It's all wind in our sails. We navigate, change course, and adjust our sails.  We stay in the wind. A month ago, however, we all woke up to calm seas. The wind that we all have come to count on......was gone.

And we are becalmed........adrift.........waiting.

Its a hard place to be.  It doesn't feel good, we want to be doing.....all the things.  If we are being honest we NEED to be doing all the things.  We hustle. We are BOSS men and women. DO! THAT'S WHAT WE DO!  We don't do this.......we don't pause, we don't cancel, we don't just stay home.  This is hard.  I feel ya pirates!

But we are becalmed. 

So  as we process through the stages of denial, anger, fear, doubt, grief, and everything else becalming brings, practice the art of radical self acceptance.  Let go of expectations, let go of what you can't control. You can't solve this, there is no amount of doing that can bring the wind back.  Wait, hold space with your crew, stay calm, and don't waste your energy.

The wind WILL RETURN.  I do not know when, or if when it does we will be able to navigate back on our original course, but our becalming will not last forever.  You will not ration and measure forever.  I promise the wind will return and the doing will recommence.  It will.  I know that now.  Thanks pirates for teaching me that.

Until the winds blow.......I will Be Calm.