Understanding My Shame

I am so grateful for MOPS.  There are so many reasons and I could go on and on, but somehow,  no matter where I am in life, the discussions, speakers and subjects are so very relevant especially to my parenting life.

Lately, parenting has been a challenge, especially with our precocious and mighty Lily.  She is so strong, so willed, so different than me.  I really was a fairly compliant child and while I may be a stubborn woman now, I wasn't as a kid.  Lily is quite the opposite of that and while I see so much strength and leadership in her, the mix of mighty women has led to many a power struggle in our house.  You see, my own parenting philosophy can be really summed up in one phrase, "I'm the Mommy and I say so."  For the past 4 years, Bob and I have really parented her, and now Evie through this.  I'll admit, it really has boiled down to a control issue and until lately, I haven't even stopped to consider the ramifications this parenting style might have on my strong willed, yes-I-will-fight-no-I-don't-agree with you kid.  Lily has her own way of thinking.  Its not always wrong, or right, but its absolutely at many times DIFFERENT than mine.

We have had so many days of complete clashing in my home and I have gone to bed in tears wondering how I am ever going to have a long standing relationship with my Lily Lu when all we do is argue over EVERYTHING.  I want to parent her better, she is so strong and so special, but how?

In comes MOPS with a discussion over shame and the role it plays in our parenting.  As in a marriage, when things aren't going well in a relationship, start looking inward.  Our speakers posed a question to us, "What do we NOT want to be perceived as by others?"  For whatever that is causes shame in our own lives.  That shame, in turn, comes out in our marriages and especially in our parenting (side note:  Amazing how children truly reveal our own personal issues, anyways...).  I thought for a while and then wrote down "out of control."  In my adult life I have wanted to be perceived as someone who has it together.  Whether its my physical appearance, my home, my financial well being, my relationships or my social interactions, I want to be in control.

This has spilled into my parenting with Lily and instead of parenting her by setting boundaries and allowing her to really be in charge of her own self, I have held to the Mom know best in all things philosophy.  I need to let go.  Not of everything, but of many things. Its time for me to learn a new way of thinking and take on a new philosophy of mothering.

I need to let go of being angry that she doesn't see it my way and embrace that God gave me a little girl with wings who really, REALLY wants to fly.

I love that I know a Jesus who uses the simplest and safest places like MOPS to open my heart and expose its rough edges.  I love that I have been given a chance to learn something new and embrace something better than control.

Most of all, though, I love that the Lord gave me my strong willed, smart, loving and sassy Lily Lu.

Be Careful Guys.....

Siblings are truly a magnificent thing.  One minute they are best of friends and the next, the worst of enemies.  It really is a "special" thing.  Although I had sibling "like" experiences with my cousins, NOTHING, could have prepared me for the depth of emotions having a sister evokes. Lately, there are times with my girls where I feel entirely out of my element.  I find myself having to lean on the wisdom of my husband.  "Is that REALLY normal behavior Bob?  Really? Or are we destined to have not 1 but 2 James Bond villains in our house?"

A while ago I wrote a post titled "Diddy Happened."  9 times out of 10 Lily is the instigator and because she is bigger, the punisher.  Poor Evie doesn't stand a chance, until lately.  Evie has discovered biting in all its glory.  In fact, Evie nearly bit a chunk of skin off of Lily's back the other day when Lily pushed her to get on top of me.  Its happened many times.  I find myself wanting to jump in victory that Evie can now defend her self, and find myself having to wrestle with discipline for all infractions.  

Bob and I laughed out loud the other day at the park.  Evie was doing her independent thing and Lily had befriended 2 sisters playing in the park.  They were walking around, telling secrets and becoming bossom buddies.  They had all sat down to have a "proper chat" in the little park hut when Evie meandered over to the group.  Lily has always been good at including and standing up for her sister in public situations, so when she jumped off of her seat, grabbed Evie's hand and said, "This is my sister, be careful guys!"  I really thought I was going to see one of those rare moments of protection for which I find myself brimming with joy.  Instead, she heroically put herself between Evie and her friends and followed her warning with, "She Bites!"  They all ran off after that announcement and Evie was once again on her own.  She never minds.  Playing in a carefree world with no torment is kind of nice.  

I laughed and then thought, good! Maybe even just the threat of biting will offer a bit of protection.  Evie won't be trifled with.......she bites!