It's What I Could Do

This past week has been a hard one.  Saying goodbye to Curtis and dealing with the gaping hole in our family was at times overwhelming.  With everything happening in Missouri, it was so hard to be here in Colorado.  Wanting so desperately to be able to be a comfort to Chelsea and the family, but having too many responsibilities here.

On Thursday Bob and I felt the need to do something, anything to feel that we were somehow participating.  In these times it seems that the only thing we can do is pray.  Prayer is powerful, yes, but the need to DO something really weighed heavy on the two of us.  At this point in life the thing we do best is run.  Since having Evie I have become quite the runner.  What can I say, its my bliss.  Running is the thing I do when literally everything else in life is chaotic.  Running is simply my happy place.

When we found out that the funeral for Curtis would be held on Saturday, I could think of nothing better than to run and pray.  So Bob and I decided to run a prayer half marathon.  In order to keep the girls happy we took turns running.  I started in the morning bright and early.  It was truly a powerful thing to begin the morning in prayer.  It was cool and the perfect running conditions.

The experience of praying continually and purposefully was the most powerful thing I have ever done. Each mile brought a new person to pray for a new mission of prayer. Communing with the Lord was empowering and healing.  The miles were the easy part.  When I was done with the 13 I could have continued on.  I just didn't want to stop praying.   I felt that I was with Chelsea, with the family, the whole time.  It was something I won't soon forget.

Everything in me wanted to be there in the flesh, but that isn't what the Lord wanted for me.  He wanted me here in prayer.  So I ran and prayed......its what I could do.

I have had a hard time getting back into catching everyone up on life here at the Longmires because in the face of such loss so much of our life happenings seem trite.  I am now in a place, however, that I am ready to continue on.  We will miss Curtis, we will think of him often, and I'm sure I will shed many more tears but I know that the best way to honor him is to keep moving forward. So I will not stay in sadness, but cling to the promises of the Lord.

"Though sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning." 

My Heart Hurts

Today my heart hurts.  Tragedy has once again struck my family and I feel so much pain and so much sorrow.  Too much.

Curtis Powelson was an incredible man, an incredible father and husband, an incredible Marine.  He was a man determined to serve and he did.  He was my cousin, married to my first cousin Chelsea.

On Monday night a sinkhole claimed his life in a shocking and unbelievable chain of events.  I simply can't believe it.  My heart hurts so much.  I know it happens, but why did it happen to us, to Chelsea, to their little boy Michael?  Where is the justice?  Where is the mercy?

Curtis was a selfless man.  I will never forget when he and Chelsea came to visit Lily when she was just born.  His rock solid arms held her so carefully.  I have never felt she was safer.  When she was tucked away in his arm, I knew he would move heaven and earth to keep her safe.  I will never forget.  The man was special.  Curtis was a Marine at heart.  Committed to his country and his family.  Why him?  A question that has been bathed in my tears.

January we lost my sweet Grandma, February my cousin lost a precious new baby, in August we lost Bob's Grandpa, a special man indeed and now this.   My tears continue to flow.  Life is so hard lately, we have lost so much.  I long for the "season of plenty" I long for the "season of joy."  Oh my heart..........it hurts.  I know we have good things, but the sad, heart breaking losses just seem to shroud them.

Lily has completely digressed in her potty training and is back in diapers.  I am so frustrated and discouraged.  Everything is hard with her, everything.  I have forgotten how to be graceful with her.  I am short and unhappy so much of my hours with her.  Life is wearing me down.  Trying to parent while dealing with my own grief is so hard.

Evie is not sleeping well at all lately.  I don't know what it is, but she just won't sleep soundly.  I have been up no less than 4 times a night for the past 3 nights and during the days she rarely sleeps for more than 45 min at a stretch.  I just can't find a break, a moment to grieve.

I can't be with my sweet Chelsea and her family right now and it hurts.  I feel the weight of my responsibilities right now and all I want is to rush to her side to hold her while this storm rages.  But I can't......and it hurts.

After last month, I have been seeking for peace, for joy, for hope.  I've been finding it.  After yesterday, I feel that my spirit must start again.

Lord, carry me, carry my family.  Its so dark right now.

My heart hurts.