Big Sis, Lil Sis

I simply love these girls, there is just no doubt.

Yeah, it has its very stressful moments and it is exhausting on most days, but I just adore these little ladies that share my face.  Its special.

The Big Sister is up to much these days.  The pictures below capture my days just perfectly.  Each day is a constant attempt to catch a moving target.  She is precocious, busy, and in constant motion.  She is officially in big girl underpants.  She woke up one day and decided it was time so we hit the potty training thing with a vengeance.  While we had a few little accidents, the pooping thing was the hardest.  This Monday Lily pooped in her pants 4 times.  Oh my.  On the fourth time I asked her, "Lily, why are you pooping in your pants?" and she replied, "Because I want to!" Yes, little Lily Grace is a strong willed lady.  She just won't do what she doesn't want to do.  

Since Evie arrived on the scene, Lily and her Daddy have become best friends.  Bob goes in every morning when she wakes up and now I always know when she is awake because she is calling, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"  She has taken to hiding under her covers so that Bob can find her and give her early morning tickles and throws.  

She has had some hard times realizing that little Evie is in fact staying around, but is still a wonderful little girl, full of life and hope.  You can't help but love her!

The Little Sister is growing and smiling like crazy these days.  Evie is just delightful and she loves to sing with me.  She coos and sings and it makes my heart just melt and I can't help but giggle.  These little tiny creatures are just simply so precious.  She is an AMAZING night sleeper.  It is so different from her big sister.  Night times are just simply a breeze and I go to bed confident that I am going to get 5-7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Its wonderful.

I love her little facial expressions and her eyes are still so blue.  Each Thursday it is just Evie and me and we have so much fun just being still and loving each other.  I am so excited to watch her grow and see the little girl that she becomes.

I am so thankful that the Lord gave me the Big and Lil lady.  It makes my heart happy to know that they will always be sisters and friends.  I have been blessed, some of the Biggest and greatest things come in the Littlest packages.

Transparency

Whenever I meet a new mom or any new friend at some point in the beginning stages of our friendship I always talk about my willingness to be transparent.  Being able to be honest and forthright with another person is simply life giving to the relationship and to the soul.  I love that I am a transparent person.  It has given me the greatest relationships and has allowed me to share life with others in an empowering way.  Yes, I have been hurt, but I have also experienced richness in life that many will never know.

In an effort to remain transparent, literally to the world, here on this blog, I am going to write a little bit about last week.  It was a rough one.  Lily woke up on Monday morning saying "Mommy, I want to wear big girl panties!"  So we started the potty training hard.  Day one was great, Day 2 we had several accidents.  On top of that, when you start potty training, you run into a lot of new issues relating to bodies and how boys and girls are different.  I knew it would happen, but there is something so....scary about a 2.5 year old starting to ask all of those questions.  They grow up so fast.  On top of trying to remember to ask Lily about the potty, Evie was just plain fussy.  It was exhausting.  When she wasn't sleeping she was screaming.  Her awake happy time was roughly around 30 minutes for the ENTIRE day.  By the end of the week I was dealing with depression.  No doubts.

I was so excited for the weekend.  On Thursday night I woke up with Evie at about 2AM to discover my husband missing from our bed.  He was horribly sick and unable to get out of the bathroom.  By the morning he was in such bad shape that we discussed taking him to the ER.  Once I felt he could handle himself, we decided that we needed to get the girls away from him in the hopes that we all wouldn't go down.  So me and the girls stayed up at my parents from Friday morning until Sunday morning.  I hated leaving Bob, but it was the right choice.  Our whole weekend combusted.  I love the mountains, but leaving Bob in such a bad state was rough.  Before we came down, Memaw and I had to deal with Lily and constipation issues.  Getting the pooping thing in the potty has been very challenging and Saturday night I had to hold my child over the potty while she screamed to get 4 days of not pooping out.  It was awful.

To top off the week, I had two nights of flopped dinners.  If you know me, you know how hard that is for me.  I love to cook and having not one but 2 dinners that were less than good is rough.  I was feeling somewhat like a failure.  Add to this the reality that I only have a few clothes that fit me right now and you have all the fixin's for depression.

Then Evie got REALLY mad.  Sunday into Monday she and I were not getting along at all.  She wouldn't nurse, she would scream uncontrollably constantly, she was fitful and just not happy.  On Monday morning I could not stop crying and for the first time in 2 months I was done being Mom.  It became very clear to me that I might need help because I was headed towards a serious post partum depression.  I decided that I would go for a run and if I didn't snap out of the need to cry I would call the doctor.

I pushed my girls for 5 miles taking out all of my anger, frustration and anxiety on the road.  Once home I felt better, but friends, I am still struggling with sad feelings.  Post partum depression is real and it is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is hard to be struggling.  Both of my girls have been hard babies.  Lily didn't sleep well, and Evie is just fussy.  It is exhausting because I can't do anything for me these days, except run.  I miss photography, I miss workout classes,  I miss bible studies and small groups, I miss date nights.  It is so hard to be afraid to leave your baby with anyone for fear that she will scream at them for 3 hours.

It was a rough week.

But hope springs anew.  It is a new day, a new week, I asked for help and Mom and Dad are going to watch the girls for a few hours on Friday so that Bob and I can go out on a much needed date night complete with fancy dinner and a movie!  I simply cannot wait!